nathanael.ink

well I never said. and you never said. and who ever said. and no body said. but. but. that’s my excuse. because I never said. because I never said I would or wouldn’t or could or couldn’t, because I’ve never known. because I’ve never been sure. because I’ve only wondered. because something always lingers a doubt. because I’m not sure I want to believe. because I am a man of fact. because I am a man of thorough thought. because I want to be strongest. because I want to know. because I want to be sure. because I cannot believe in what cannot meet my standards. because my standards are… somehow, more right? more accurate? justifiable?

was it not my goal to have standards set according to what I believe of God? and yet somehow, by the same standards I find I question the things of God.

what deceive has come over me? and will I ever write it out?

the more I do this. the more I write for release as I have my whole life, I now stop and wonder if it’s working. it seems the only way to get anything out, is to bring something else in. otherwise I would be an absent vessel. but, there is a war waging, and there is no chance of ground being uncovered. one side will claim me. one side will, regardless, put their feet on my soil. the most peaceful I can be is to let them both walk over me if they were at war over other lands. but unfortunately they fight for me.

I must choose or be chosen. maybe an intake of the Word. is all that is worth anything.. not sitting here, alone in as close to dark as I could be.