nathanael.ink

I call it funny, I call it a million things. maybe this is finally waiting. maybe I am listening.

is this waiting? to be still, and wonder, to take steps toward God. to read what books I can. to get in a daily Bible reading program.

to have Him on your mind, all the time. maybe this is waiting. maybe the thought of a faithful women is temptation. it is hard to know. what remains of me? how much of me is His already?

‘How long will I wonder?’.. I wonder.

“what are we if we’re not in love” says jon foreman. but lo, am I not in love? surely Love is even greater. goodness, it feels like this whole time I’ve always acknowledged the difference, but never acknowledged how I value them. honestly I think I’ve always thought that if I could get this love relationship with God down THEN I might find true love on earth. and, I figure that in exact meaning is still mostly true at least, but my heart about it, was all wrong.

as if love here on earth was the ultimate achievable place, the tip of the hierarchy of my desires, I treated God like a step, unknowingly, but still.

How can I desire Him more? when I cannot see Him? when I cannot feel Him?

.God let me share, in Your feeling, in Your suffering, in that which You partook in. Jesus, let me partake in it. You have been here, You have felt this place. like any two loves, let me feel as You have felt, that I might relate to You, thus gain understanding through feeling.

God.. You have a plan for all of it don’t You? for all I struggle with. for what I have tried to hold against You. You have a method to address it all, and it is clear, but I am so stubborn.. Help me want You more. more than any relationship. Help me know You. just as I feel the desire to know a woman I seem to feel love for, let me what to know You even more than that. I want to see what You have seen, I want to feel what You have felt.

God, there is so much of You I don’t know. so much of Your past, and granted You are the same, still, perhaps if I embark to explore Your stories of old I will find moment when parts of Your character came out. God. have at me. I am free to be obedient. I am free to be in love with You. let no desire come before, or go beyond that. You are the ultimate goal, the highest satisfaction.

enough worrying of all this bubkiss about marriage and Your plans for it all, I will not concern myself with what You plan to do with anything. because I trust You, and all I want to know is You, and who You are. I want to learn to be just as You are, so walk as You walk. My brain does not need to even begin to try and digest Your purpose for anything on this earth, but I know it will all be revealed to me in time enough, when I see You, I will know. please Lord, sent a breeze through my cluttered head, full of knowledge and cobwebs. it does me no good if I have not Love. if I don’t know You.

..God I love You, and I hope to know You, even more. .. how endless is Your love..