nathanael.ink

I will never.

is it faith, to believe I will. or is it faith, to believe somehow He will. and not mind if it has anything to do with me.

is it this very fight, that keeps me here, while He intend for me to go further, or do I linger, as He desires for me to linger.

just as I think regarding the old testament, I struggle for meaning, for the reason for it. for any purpose beyond “well this was the law, and I can learn of how difficult it was to thereby better understand grace.” or any halfhearted explanation like that. where is the divinity? the architecture of it all? Where is the endless ocean of meaning that can be divulged?

I wish I had an ocean, to better understand how different and unique His is.. I wish I had a molecule, that I could grasp the complexity of the ones He loves to use. I wish I could learn, the way I wanted.. the way I decided. and I mean that, all the way until I say it, or begin to realize that I mean it. and then I am frightened and taken far back.. for He, knows more than my ‘knowing.’ much more than my desire for desired learning.. maybe, as instant of a thought that it is for me to sit in a passenger seat of a friends vehicle, and to watch him enter and put the key in the ignition, I am so sure, without any doubt, that he will turn the key, and when he turns the key, I still feel very certain that the car will start, and go on to our destination, which I am aware of, but the exact lights and cars we will pass I do not know and am not sure of. but, mostly what I want to stress, was how sure I am that he will turn the key. because it is such a quick and immediate thought, a thought which is so clear and right that it feels known, for even the split second prior. I have known the future, for the future was so apparent to me, given the situation, the next step was all too clear.

and maybe it is this way, that God knows what will happen next. not because we are unknowingly stripped of self-will or freedom, but God, knowing all the goings-ons, He can quickly comprehend the next thing which will happen. but He, has done this from the very beginning of  time, each facet of all creation was thought out in this way, as he tweaked one thing, He could see all the effects that might occur from it. down to the sleeve of bark round a tree.

maybe, I will have an answer, for those who refuse mine.

oh how I am sure, that day will come, when my tongue will even still wish it had said more, and tried again. on that day of judgement.. dear God let me consider love more than any fear. let me practice love, let me learn how to love all in truth…

oh Father.. take care of me..