nathanael.ink

I don’t know why nights like this, or people like me, exist. truly I don’t, in a way that I believe it’s true that we are in fact here, but the reason for it, I can’t conceive. if only to make others feel better for not being us.
see but. I really don’t feel so bad. I just, don’t really want to be alone. not just, facebook status alone, but, literally, alone in this apartment. alone in my car. alone any place. it just doesn’t keep me sane, that’s for sure.
it also make me desperate. and I remain desperate until I remember that there remain people in this world that I do not enjoy the company of. and more so, there are people in this world that do not enjoy my company, and there is nothing wrong with that. in a way, that I wish there was, but I don’t have the heart to try to sustain such a fruitless argument on the topic.
I don’t want to be disappointed, that’s for sure, and I think that’s partially why the thought of relationship is twisted all up in my head. but I think ultimately, I more afraid of disappointing. of disappointing whoever they are.
to this day everything feels like my fault. which, I’m sure it partially true, but it can’t be completely. I mean, I just, I really hope it isn’t. or at least I’d like to know, how much of it is.
does everyone think what I think, they just are smart enough to not voice it? is that what’s going on here? I mean, if that’s the case, then maybe I rightfully feel everything is my fault. my fault I’m so lonely. I’m just not good at being friendly without being obviously trying to be friendly, which then is implied the next level of relationship, which I may or may not be seeking. but, I probably am, because I’ve been so lonely.
man. fault fault fault fault.

someone wise needs to instruct me more. cuz, I have some instruction. which is good. but, I can’t readily follow I think, because.. because I don’t, and feel I can’t. because… because. I’m way too lonely to be picky. the adage goes “beggars can’t be choosers”
that’s wisdom too. I’d say.
so maybe, just stop begging. but. I’m lonely. but, I’m really not lonely. like, to the point of “oh man, get me a woman that I oohlala all the time” or something, but, just “man. look at all this empty space. get me someone to talk to, and carry on a conversation with”
but,
that doesn’t happen. and oddly enough sometimes BECAUSE I don’t want to that oohlala loneliness yet. so. it’s odd.

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