nathanael.ink

well.
worship music, is something else. . I’ve never been so surrounded with it, in such a very long time.
I’ve never felt so good, and so willing to do what I’ve stuttered to even speak, as if to act. this comfortably then makes me cautious.. and I feel myself in the same place as I was, just, feeling much better about myself. suppose it’s quite literally like looking at something from a different angle. the problem, cause, resolve, and absolute resolution might be identical, but my gaze at it is different.. but
a thought like that, sort of makes things feel. worthless. “all is vanity.” makes me want to write Ecclesiastes, or read it at least.
outside of a dim light lit for loves sake, .. the long shadows cast have me guessing for which love it has been lit.. and I end up in cautious mode again.. I’d call it fear perchance I reconsidered the word “cautious”.. oh fear, you are the absence of the giver of my strength. of all I need, you are the absence of..
as much as I negate the phrase entirely, still I wonder if there is some depth to think I ought to be myself. perhaps to reconsider what myself is, would be the goal when I heard such a line.
I need to gain a mindset that I have nothing to prove. that I am, and it is enough. yet for salvations sake I continue to recall that I was not enough, thus Jesus blood.. perchance I am to claim that which He has made me. but, what then if I walk with a tall ostrich neck and press myself in ever strange obtuse angle? what if skins rub? how can I recover when she does not think I am that which I have been made to believe I am? It is possible to find a human that could love in the deepest nth degree with only the knowledge of who I desire to be fully. must she then take up blindness to what I am? to keep focus of what we long to be?
what then is love on earth? but two lovers of God, loving God?
and all the while it is written, that afterwards in heaven, there will be no pairing off, but all in Him in fullness. all in love. what then could I gain today? but accountability, and the quenching of a possibly ruthless desire?
I am scant for words always. but oh… oh.
how a genius thing. if this passion given through the soul, is designed to stir that of the spirit. perhaps it is, for it is those things which it finishes.
and maybe, the emptiness I continue to find here, pumps the engine, is fuel for fire, to liven and reinvent the purest love of the spirit which can only be appropriately poured out on Him..
then from here I consider myself, and I am glad to be at least that I am. and from here I being to think “from here.. I could perchance love appropriately a woman. having considered such things. having acknowledge the Lords ultimate ability to do as He would with me”
so it is that evvvenb still. i cannot seeem to root it out/. what a dreadful bother I tell you! truly I grow obtuse I know, I simply am, I do, i feel it grow. or perchance I take the world to literally as it responds to me.
ooooh but how the worship, it resounds.. and I respond to it. just let me worship God. sweet.. sweet. sweet goodness love let Yourself in!..