nathanael.ink

would that I could take her deep into a scene. surround her with a tune which could convey what I would mean to say. Each film is to say “I love you this way” each verse and recoil is a pause to remember that I have said it to her.
How with every extravagant word I feel more strange. I watch even Shakespeare constantly acknowledge the trivial strength in formed words. Yes even he can see them sink much too low. and if he is not granted for depicting beauty well in elaborate verse, than he is better with expressing an understanding that word is word and verse is verse and love is without either.
how if I could have the chance, in that if I could watch the scenery grow exquisitely down to the last breath we each would take before I were to speak myself outright; if such a time grows out of Gods hand, I would be to say:
before yet another comes with cause to woo, before a boy with boisterous confidence and a smile like the very saint of peacekeeping and animal shelters and vegetarian movements, before a life long companion finally exposes his unfailing love which will grow then from the seed which has been a long while within your heart, before the nonchalance of a man hardly considering you yet pulls at all your heart strings, before his innocuous causality with you rings in your heart as “lo, I could spend my life…”
let us dine, first in sets, then pairs perhaps, then with only you and I. label us ‘trying.’ label us ‘discovering’
and if nothing else, we’ll have a healthy experience in courtship. we’ll exemplify healthy relationship ideas.

.woe, first, I am under the impression, that I am to wait until a moment sets itself. .. lo, still I consider that I might have to create it ‘myself’. as in perhaps He has set it to build until I cannot stand. maybe in my bursting, the moment arrives, in a way I couldn’t have known to be looking for.
but yet am I even looking? no. I mean not to. yet if I were, my defense would be “he who FINDS a wife” and countless “he who SEEKS, FINDS” and such thoughts. yet. I am old and living alone and with a fulltime job and a life that grows off Wind and my own willingness to ride it. a life in which she will not find common aspiration, only to learn how better to serve. to love. to reflect Him. to discover Him further. to rise in the morning in Him, seeing Him. to lay my head surrounded with Him.
she would be to find I am not such even perhaps to trust, being that I desire to grow and learn how to boast in weakness. she would find that through Him I might very well end up not only being, but desiring to be, the least of all men, down to the last ownership of only cardboard boxes and black sharpies to write messages of love and understanding. I am not here to prosper in the world.. this world is not our home. and she would understand that, as I feel she does already.
and I could note all the qualities that I feel are specific to her as a person. qualities not found in every deep lover of God. though it is quite her love for God that opened widest the door from me to send my heart browsing all around the room marked with love for her.

yet woe how she is to any christian lad a cream-of-the-crop. a top-notch gal.
and so rather I wonder what it is she wants. and I could be so arrogant as to say I’d like to try and prove I could be those things.
for again I say, I do not desire a woman who wants me as I am, but wants me as I want to be, as He would have me be. I want to go there. to get there. with her if God wills.
which He may very well not, and all would be still greater than when we first began.
if nothing else I’d be reassured that good women exist in the world. and reassured that just as so many years passed before I knew her, yet she came in and caught even this much of my heart; so it is. that any days doors just open. and people just walk in.

but. I do wish for my sake these days were more like older days; in that I could just maybe ask her father, express any small amount of affection, and she would be marry to be loved a’tal. and glad that I would love her enough to gain the access to her hand.

anyways. I’m going to read my physical Bible now. it’s been far too long since I have. and I pray I do it not to grow my righteousness. pray God causes my heart to be true.. or break me until it is..