nathanael.ink

pardon me, but Christ
was it not You who took it out, and set it all in motion. how then, after having justified Your absence.. Christ.. what is it I’ve done?
do I excuse myself of believing You are absent, by restating it as You are already all things superfluous. seamless, a constant string of what is. and thereby justifying no change.
Christ, my God… is this why I terry? Why I burrow in so deep, inside misery, the inward of misfortune..
I terry, and I say You terry.. I fail. but I could not justify myself, and I could not believe grace fully. so I found a way to excuse You for what You had not done, but what I could blame You for…….. God my God!. Christ. ..oooooooooaaaaah…
it is just the night that works against me? is it the door I left open? my windows that have let so much… Christ. I have already reasoned that if any good comes, it will not be by my hand. but then by whose hands will it be?
dear God I could give You credit for all things already… how then could I pray for a miracle, a change, a flow against Your hand?
don’t get me started in “He set it up that you should pray and see Him answer and then it would be such-and-such a way” .. I cannot be in this equation… I cannot. I am flawed. I am unusable. I am unable. I am. contingent upon my feels, my mood, even perception! how God can I be what cannot even perceive! yet-alone conceive!!.. good gracious.. good .. good gracious goodnight