nathanael.ink

I don’t know if I believe in You. what I call You. what I named You. are You who I am referring to?
Jesus, messiah, the Christ. what I talk, is it to You? Could I be directing my thoughts more clearly. is there someone else I could be talking to? is this You? is this You in everything? is that me putting You everywhere?
I don’t know if You think this is easy, or getting easier.. tell me I’m gonna die at 34 with a reason, I might be able to do a lot more than I am now. I might have a drive. I might have a purpose. but here, all I want is success, and I want it from any branch I can find.
How could I seek first the kingdom?- can’t You see I’m busy trying to build this damn home?! You gave me the godforsaken land to live in, and I’m here trying to do something with it! .. God.. what does it mean, to seek first the kingdom? that doesn’t feel applicable?
I just want to leave into a video game. a place with a purpose. objectives and rewards. and simple system of goals, and the clear option of failure. inevitable death.
well seems to me that the wages of sin is death, but we all still are dying, because You said we would. it’s somewhere in some covenant isn’t it? some clearly stated plan; a promise. Your word.
how can I say I’m free, if I still feel death? I still see those who believe, they taste death.
but I justify, that it is because of sin that death enters the scene. but. is there no freedom from it? .. I suppose it’s because of the fruits of sin to our physical body, so thereby our physical body will die, while our spirit, free from death, will enter His gates..

dear God renew in me a right spirit.. my eyes are dry, my heart is hard, my prayers are cold..