nathanael.ink

“Promise me…”
your words said “…that we will never argue again”
But more articulately was
“…that we’ll pretend to always be happy”

but what was asked:

Promise me you will bury pain and not tell me.
Promise me i will not know i hurt you.
Promise me to remember that no matter how much i care for you (and i do care for you)
that you can’t make me feel bad for caring more about myself.
Promise that when i want to do something, you’ll never not want me to, because you’ll promise nothing hurts you, because you promised that even if it does
i will not know.
Because i just don’t want to argue.

Let’s do this until we explode.
———————

…of course i love you… enough to lay down my armor and show you my wounds… not to make you feel bad, but so that someday we can both be absolutely tender in each others presence. So that we can feel deep trust, deep love, deep pride and confidence in each other..
The current problem is that you still refuse to take your armor down at all, so you wonder why i would.. it scares me.. as if we still both stay ready to leave and fight another fight… we are like two warriors lovers who have spent their whole life moving from fight to fight, but in a ditch at midnight they meet.. and no one wondered why we wear such thick armor, but as time goes, and the relationship grows.. one wonders why they feel such inclination to prove they are strong.. why when we’re together do you wear the same warriors armor? We both know sometimes we hurt.. but we’ve been trained, that for the sake of maintaining a good relationship with somebody, we just need to take the heat, stomach the blows and say nothing… we both are proficient at this.. but what makes you so awkward is how desperately i want to take off my armor.. to tell you how i hurt, not even just so we can medicate it, God is the absolute best doctor, but so that i can be real with you… and what i need more that strength, is honesty…
I will never promise to play happy. Because in everything i AM abundantly happy, just being around you, gosh i just can’t get enough.. it is when my honesty and vulnerability get rejected, it doesn’t just hurt me, but i leaves me wondering when.. like the two warriors, at some point one must wonder why they still wear the armor… it’s not that i don’t understand the inclination.. but it seems to me that love would within itself prompt the removal of the armor…
It is not the arguing that worries me, but your inability to even find cause to tell me when I’ve hurt you… and you expect me to so the same thing.. so that we can both silently carry or “pray away” the pain… its a disservice to bury it dear… i can’t convince you though .. so tonight i’ll bury it…