nathanael.ink

I fought so hard. SO very hard. Harder than I knew one could fight. Like Gabriel on the way down to little Daniel- I thought that I fought… but my measly blows are dust in the wind. Scattered and weightless they thrust themselves at their enemy… I forgot my place. Like Gabriel I thought to myself… Like God I said within my spirit… I will be like them I whispered to her, and to my soul I declared it.
Oh… how I have forgotten myself.
Any kingdom I build is not. It is of wanton glory: to succeed at all. Thank God He kept me from it… I kick and scream for a new job, a woman of my dreams, and He chooses to withhold them both… The executives have not know His deeds in the heavens, they have simply encountered a better fit than me. And likewise she dare not scheme of what God might be doing in me, and may she never receive any credit of knowledge or wisdom, for in her exhaustive foolishness and misguided understandings
in spite of herself God has used our terrible turn of events… may it likewise never be accounted that I did a single thing good in all my meditations and thorough deliberations. It was I who failed the woman. It was my anger. My controlling spirit. It was all me. May I always be embarrassed to say it. But moreover,
what is more unbelievable to admit.. is that He has paid what my guilt owes her.. I long that I could ask her forgiveness to her face. But I fear my own dead affections might rise again and threaten the integrity of my tongue… also I fear she will not receive it or believe in its legitimacy.. lo, in spite of my daft ignorance, He receives me still… and though every word I said to her must be accounted as lies.. words like “love” and “forever” and “never giving up”… still He receives me… and hate the snares that awaited me, the snares I set up for myself.. with my own two hands I ruined what once was good.