nathanael.ink

I’m just not sure, is all, who I am. Its the same old rut I guess. I keep chasing identities only to have them ripped off like a ratty old bed sheet; you know the ones with the elastic corners that prevent you from being able to just pull it straight off. I know I know it has something to do with Religion. Good Religion. I should be able to find it there. I run into the challenge there too though. I’m here wondering what sort of member I am? Hand, foot, eye, ear, hypothalamus? In what field should I genuinely help advance that kingdom of Christ Jesus? Have I the mind to crack systematic theology? Have I the eye to search the realm of science and religion? Have I the spacial thinking capabilities to work in the abstract sphere of philosophy? Or am I an artist sort. Disconnecting myself from the whole show. Here to enjoy and laugh and paint and cry and deny that I am always terribly worried I might misstep. Or do I dip my toes in all of them because I want to please everyone… can I just genuinely not handle the idea that some people may actually not care even to understand me. Is my life a show? I’m just not sure at all anymore. I mean I think it may very well be. I would argue that everyone’s is. Then of course someone would strongly disagree with me and I would argue further until I’ve cornered them into admitting their life too is a show in the sense that I mean for a life to be “a show”. Because of course we are performing. If only for ourselves, or only for our God, or only to be happy, or only to stay alive. We are in the business of doing things for reasons, whatever they are. That to me is a show. No matter your audience we’re all actors hoping to be something. When the fact of the matter is I just plum have no idea who I am. I mean, I have ideas of who I was, and who I’m hoping to be, and so forth. But who I am now? Damnit man. You could gather all the people who consider themselves friends of mine and it’s unlikely any two people would completely agree, that is, if you isolate each of their responses. Of course you cannot let them all mingle and then say who they collectively think that I am. And I’m sure the same is true for all of us. Each view is subjective by nature and therefore not objective. Which is the very thing I’m after. The ACTUAL. The objective. The what it is no matter what anyone thinks! That is what I’m particularly interested in. Then once I know that I will decide which sort of member I am. But God doesn’t do that does He? Not a word. Just a great mystery. Like an author writing the words one at a time as you read them, no option even to skip ahead and see. I just. I want to be good at something. I am not exceptionally good at music. Or art. Or poetry, there is always someone even more exceptional. Someone saying the very same thing is a fashion that reaches more people, more easily, more genuinely, confidently, and humbly. I just don’t have it, I don’t think. It’s not down there. I mean not at all. I feel completely usual. Which would be a great point to camp on if I did not also insist that no on is “usual” in the sense that is somehow diminishes their extravagance; but just then, there, a moment ago, I did mean it in the sense that I am not extravagant at all. I’m just fighting to keep my head above whatever. And that’s just a metaphor, I have absolutely no baring on how true it is therein. I just don’t have any idea. Providing I were in some pool of water that represented… what? Represented all the things that create stress? Well what creates stress? Hell if I know. For me, it’s anything I don’t understand. That stresses me out. Why? Well some may say because I want to feel like I’m in control. Well of-bloody course I want to feel in control! I mean, what else is there? And don’t get all nonsense on me, I’ll just prove you wrong, there isn’t anything else. Or maybe I will believe that until I am starved dry and need to postulate some other possibility and work out all the nuances of it’s implications. Boy will that ever be a task…