I have survived worse
other people have survived worse
some monks whip themselves
some buddhas utterly detach
some taoists are everything and everyone
and all the suffering
and all the joy
all at once
and I cannot tell
if they are right
or if I just cannot bear the thought of it
the thought that this is all there is
and all the joy
and all the suffering
and I have exposed myself
to some who love me
and when I am myself for long enough
they, so far, have always stopped
when enough pain
for them
accumulates
and not another word
from me
can their soul intake
so to some ribbon of words
I return
after every love has ended
and every soul surrendered
under the weight of me
it would take an army
to love me
I know
and it’s with the heaviest breath I can muster,
what I wonder if I can say,
that it does not matter
and
not because nothing matters
but
if all of us
all together
keep throwing all our words at the wall
surely something could come together
out of one of our mouths
summing up the meaning of it all
tying us all together
little tethers through each other
and it will take
the entire world to love me
I am sure
but I cannot help my wondering
if I should keep trying to not apologize
maybe some cups of love are too deep for one
are too deep to ever be filled up
maybe I have the privilege of being
an unlovable cup
on this side
of whatever everything is
and some monks whip themselves
and go on living
and buddhas sit until they forget who they are
and Lao Tzu remembers
and GOD persuades the west to forget again
and all I remember
is the curve of her back
settling in the slim of my chest
our legs as tied up as any two could think of us
and her neck as warm as velvet in the sun
and the dip of her stomach just before my
hands reach her hips
and a sip of that space below her ear
behind where the jaw dips in
I can feel her hair from here
short but pulled enough to make
meaningful tension in the air
I don’t know what GOD believes about any of us
but I know what I believe
and all I can hope
is that it is enough
nathanael.ink 
Leave a comment