if I was convinced you loved him
if I was convinced he was a better fit
I would have muscled
been my age
walked away…
you can’t explain what you see
I can’t explain anything… I know so much of what it is not
that I’m left convinced of what it is..
I don’t mean to not be trusting but, I want to be best for you. God knows. but.. I think we’ve both been lied to.. saying that we can’t be
the best thing..
I for one, immediately found myself self-mutilating; watched you start running.. and I’m thinking now.. if you were to read this now. it would piss you off but… well. I guess that means I should stop
-
if I was convin…
-
What does it lo…
What does it look like
this time to love
of course I want the best for us both
but who could know it
the best is a flaw in every design
it surrounds intentions
and stitches itself thoroughly into
every color lit up
over the misogynist’s quilt;
looking like a mere misanthrope with no home..I have to be sweet now
turn over every mans stable-switch
stand up to my age…
outweigh the anxious pain
burning from my pit, catching the tonsils
and smoking black my tongue..
so now when I try to speak
the same perfect words;
out comes the charred remains of some misanthrope
looking like there was good intent
masking the misogynist in me… butwith the light of intent faded
I swear what remains is a genuinely angry
lover. Jealously in love. stitched
to every breath someone else might be seeing
not knowing the sight
is a young heart searching
and dear God I hope she finds me… -
Reassemble the …
Reassemble the pieces…
we had a memory of the morning
talked of cabin homes and mountain sides
we wore the skin of love
all our faces wore it tooundying, unending, unadulterated,
without measure and without condition
worded right off our tongues..but now how can I bury the planets?
can the dead now bury the dead?I wish the art could eat up the bones..
she now is a body of lies
stitched up with contempt
built up in my blood
given eyes again to see for herself
the ogre of I
whose hands slaved to save
the girl who would run at the sight of my head undone and shaky fingertips
which slaved to stitch up the both of us..now in her health, she has gained the mind to see the disaster of me..
-
there is no hop…
there is no hope for tomorrow
there is no hope
none for life or after
none for freedom
none for any thought
without His say so. in all things we wear the great weight of His grinning. He must first be eased, first be convinced, for a life to advance..your defenses are defenses of clay.
my friends have said to me: you talk with so many words, scrounging for all the answers. but does your life even reflect the truth you speak? you know what they say of he who sprays so many words.. the Lord cannot speak to you when you’ve clothed yourself in sin, to do so would defile the qualities of wisdom. if you were really listening, you’d hear His rebuke.. who can know His plan? He does what He wants, and no one can stop Him. If you would direct your heart properly, and even submit to Him, and if you should get rid of all that crud you keep dealing with. then, then my friend you will be able to look up to heaven, and see that endless light. Then you would trust Him, because there is hope; and you would look around and rest in the security. You would finally rest, and no one could steal that from you.
and I have said :
oh.. you truly are the only wise in the world?!, then with you all wisdom will also die. I am no fool, and am not inferior to you. And who DOESN’T know all that you’ve vomited back at me? Am I a joke to you?
Those who are at ease in this life, those are the ones to fear. For they hold calamity in contempt, as if it is only for those who’s feet slip? Yet it’s clear that the cruel are in power over us, and yet we know that God has given out all authority? So instead look around you, ask the trees or the animals or birds or the fishes, every one of these knows that the hand of the Lord has done this, and Whose hand is the life of every living thing, and the breath of all mankind?! Does not the ear test words, as the tongue tastes its food? wisdom and understanding come with age, therefore it’s is infinitely obvious that there is no one who could out age the Lord! I could never know more than Him! He builds what I cannot tear down, and tears down what I cannot rebuild. He does what He wants… I know this, just as you know. But I still will speak to the Almighty. I desire to argue with God. but you smear with lies; you are worthless physicians, medicating yourselves to appear as the ones you think the Lord requires you to be. I wish you would just be completely silent, and THAT would be your wisdom. And even listen to my argument before having a defense. if you shut up, will you be doing the Lord injustice? You would be speaking deceit or anything. Which is better for you, because if you are showing partiality in your speech then He will surely reprove you.
your religious phrases are like ash.
your defenses are defenses of clay.
so shut up. and let come on me what may. Yet why should I, who is scarcely sustained already off the skin of his teeth, why, why would I put my life into my own hands? Though He steals from me, and He slay me, still my only hope is always in Him.. nevertheless, I will argue my ways before Him. This also will be my salvation, for a godless man may not come before His presence. -
1 Peter 5
I love when people stop, or simply only quote verse 7.
I think, the message of Christ has been meticulously, scrupulously dissected. and now laid out on our operation table, we see all the pieces.. yet now, it is that moment, when you realized, the objects original creator, designer, has accomplished a work that I cannot even reorganize. with just these pieces in front of me, I can only make a mess of them.. it is unlike deconstructing a toaster, and then thinking back to how it came apart, and what it’s function is, I begin to see and feel the thoughts that went into creating; in that sense, I get to look this object through the lens of the creator, watching how their brain works in the functionality of this toaster.
however, my brain absolutely cannot reassemble the Gospel from a scattered ensemble of truths.. this is why we so often end up with different concepts of who God is, because we try this didactic method of decomposition.
this is why, I love to often stop, and just stare at the majesty of the work, and read of its description from those with clearer lenses.
all this to say, I think I have missed the true result of salvation, what it means to pursue sanctification, to submit to Christ. like, I’ve got this getting saved thing down, but all this stuff that they say comes after, I just, I wrestle with reassembling it.. but the truth is, that IT IS the truth. and I should stop trying to fit it into my puzzle, and just realize that this puzzle in front of me, this construct of the divine, will never be construct-able by human hands and human reason.
and so I seek wisdom and pursue understanding..
“casting all your anxiety upon Him, because He cares for you.” – ok awesome, i can do that, I don’t have to worry about my car, or my future or my job or getting married or any of that stuff. all those trouble that make life so tough, I can cast those on Him. beautiful.
“Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” – oh wow.. yeah now you are kind of making me worry. you want to be on my guard? I thought you were just telling me to loose the belt buckle and veg out, cuz man He’s got it.. now I’m confused
“Be resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world” -wait? resist? like.. an active sense of ‘resist?’ .. and you mean the sort of suffering you were talking about earlier that you guys are going through? like losing your life and being slandered among everyone because of your righteousness? and I should feel peace because other Christians are getting killed too?! I want to know that other Christians are living in mansions with no debt and a wife and kids that all love to read the bible! I don’t feel better to know this world is killing the best of us!
“and after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” – holy cow.. you’re serious about this.. you don’t mean a little while now I worry about my car and job and then later get a mansion because I practice tithing.. you mean.. .. ..so if you’re in that place, and if this is the message your telling those who follow Christ, because THIS is the issue they are facing.. how come I’m not facing this issue? how come I’m only struggling with myself, rather than struggling against the heavy, dark, hands of the world reaching up from a cold, pale, earth trying to enslave and shut up my brothers and sisters and I.. this is my war. that I will remain righteous even against the slander and persecution of this world.. to still be fighting for righteous within myself.. is another issue entirely,
one for which is fought
at the cross,
every morning. posted up. dead and dying throughout the day. sad and hanging. the old man screams for me, but cannot run after me with a crucified, lame, limp body. from which my very core of a man has escaped as with Christ
and risen with new life. newness of life. freshness of creation. the smell of Christ on my flesh, and banner of victory raised: this is how I should be facing the world, setting to death the old man, and making a stinkin’ habit of it. that I could grow, and receive the meat of this gospel. no longer living as a slave to sin, but as an heir.
an heir to the throne, for which only my King sits. and only His scepter extents out to rule and reign over all things which have ever been, and ever will be..
my God, my King, and my Father… may I not run from Your cup, may I never bind of living Breath, the Spirit of Life, the Spirit inside me which awakens and convicts and grants me eyes that I could see… forever and ever Your mercy will greet me in the morning to face such an early death
everyday.
selah… amen -
.. that loves touch could lure me away from the ebb of my soul.. constantly reaching out onto the shores of His love, and then with the tide crawling back away from the land where my love has built His dwelling…
Lo, does not the land and earth reside even bellow the waters? It is not even the crevasse of the rock that I my body dwells?
Therefore, even my ebb is subject to occupy the same territory owned and operated by His love. In the wanderings of my mind, will, and emotions; they all exist on the land of His mercy.. the land for with His kinghood rules eternally.
now then where can I go, for which He will not allow? and where can I wander where He will not already be waiting?
There is no recoil from my Loves land, no tide to pull me away, for He occupies all things. instead there is only the creation of His absolute love, and this lifetime to explore it.
there is now therefore no place for my soul to seclude itself from His dominion of love, grace, and truth.. -
after viewing daughters with fake names
do my eyes churn out grey,
fog fill up my brain?
my face to coarse paper,
my hair to coarse veins?do I wear it
or am I worn?
is it tearing
or dare, be torn?
_____________________________________ -
I am in a sour mood. absolutely sour. absolutely circumstantial.
I like my religion, because faith without works is dead.
this is a basis, for so many logical platforms.
it’s at the summit of words without action are dead. null. void. incoherent and foolish, for it is to speak empty breaths. or rather, it is to breathe and call is speech and beg we all believe what you just now did not speak..
my problem is with everyone. my problem is with me. there is a heart at stake somewhere, but I’m not sure where…it does not feel good to be here. or at least, I know that it won’t. but right now. to revel. feels outstanding.
-
dear God on a night like this
could You undermine everything I’m doingall that i am
-
beetle bug
some dark depressing hallway
with the world up your sleeve and your human in the way
of you letting out
through his mirror maze of doubtyour feet are like fifty fried little beetle heads
all rolling down the Oakly Run
making circles around everything, can’t
tell them worth anything..
nathanael.ink 