“We start as small as me,
we grow as tall as oak, “
I lean in,
“we’ll hurt so much forever
and then grow old.”
All the four year olds
don’t know what I mean
they’ll see
we hurt so much forever
then, one day, are seen.
-
kinetic sand at the preschool
a star on the kinetic sand snowman is everything
the year they will spend with me is 20% of their entire life
the next five minutes then, even
is so much more to them than it could ever be to me
the challenge then, is to let it be
the star on the snowman is everything -
kind of person
the kind of person who does not like themselves
who does not enjoy spending time with themselveswill almost certainly not like you
you who are the kind of person
who likes spending time
with just the kind of person
they do not like -
at the ER because you binged again
it all is around
and you wonder why you cannot stop
obstinate
obstinate
your teeth in your forearm
your heels digging in
I won’t help you
I cannot
lose someone
again to thisthe next thing I want to watch die
is my own crabby pair of hands at one hundred and fiveI won’t be here to watch
an alcoholic spread
it’s not a thread to just tie up
instead, this is the only evidence you have been forced to see
evidence of your entire life whaling
in a turbulent sea of pretense and false beliefs
that there are no beasts beneathyourself a kind of stoic saint, you think
you mock our brittle hearts that scream
all the while it’s you
and
and I cannot hold you the way I want to
the way I would if I was GODwhat I know
is that not knowing what you’re feeling
is not the same as having noneyou are purchased every time that you deny
the entire world alive inside
inside you
floods of needs and feeling words
you’ll find alcohol does not shut them up
it just plugs your ears so you’re even less aware…
which is how, in the first place,
we got here -
scientific ego death
looking close enough, we know
none of our atoms touchand you
imagining
independencetrip into noticing
a human kindness
how we are all atoms
of some universal beingand we are only ever not touching
in the silly scientific way that nothing is -
when I search your name online
when I search your name online
it doesn’t give me chills
or turn my stomach anymore
my skin doesn’t crawl
my hair etherizedwhen I search your name online
I don’t worry what I’ll see
or whose face will live so near to yours
a dazzling silver ring
a coffin full of lovewhen I search your name online
no one else even comes up
_________________anymore
you ran across the world
you always said you wouldand when you search mine
the way I practice all the time
you’ll see me
and say nothing -
sad is my favorite feeling & home
safe
& comfortable, it sounds so
familiarthere isn’t anything I would do to be free
I keep making
I kept making
kept making so much space
now all I am
is an empty tankmy brain unwraps
when I’m happy then
a sad song on the radio
hails back the cabI don’t like to be away
I just don’t want to die
or be taken completely
I want to be happyhappy
& home -
every every minute
/
Ilove you so
still.//
It is the seasons change you feel
which you confuse for
for me./
I protest I □□□□ never-
theless the…
□□□□□□□□ The seasons are not in motion?
See my loving you
in their always going
notice them
like the satan forth and back from GOD
jockeying for permission □□□ for
for the next evil
of GOD’s season
season seasoning.Do not think
I could not always be in
feeling □□□ they are changing.
Just because we have given them four names…
I could break them
up up as evidence.Just past five hundred thousand
alphabetical, every minute,
I scrawl them out □□ sending you
□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□ sending proof
so that you will always be assured □□ finally
finally
assured
even in it
in lack of faith and
tradition.
I do
I do love you I
and to prove.
I will make sure the seasons are changing
names alphabetical
Aacra to Barnaby
Rosemary, Serendipity
I will find the words
Tarist Thorn, Timid Tom
name them
all of them
name them.
Find them.
You will see the seasons
can always be changing
changing
Wallis to Yuko
changing in me. -
to death / persist
to death
you said it to death, please trust
i have not forgot
it’s just that i retort
in light of all of it
i persist
perhaps because
persisting is all i have ever donelistening? empathizing? making appropriate space
for you to grow
into who you are now
?
no
i lack all relevant expertisebut
persisting
and hypocrisy
leave these to me
nathanael.ink 