nathanael.ink

no one wants to be in this body.. no one meant to live this way..
all we have is the shrapnel..

it lingers on.
I hate my heart.

if I was convinced you loved him
if I was convinced he was a better fit
I would have muscled
been my age
walked away…
you can’t explain what you see
I can’t explain anything… I know so much of what it is not
that I’m left convinced of what it is..
I don’t mean to not be trusting but, I want to be best for you. God knows. but.. I think we’ve both been lied to.. saying that we can’t be
the best thing..
I for one, immediately found myself self-mutilating; watched you start running.. and I’m thinking now.. if you were to read this now. it would piss you off but… well. I guess that means I should stop

What does it look like
this time to love
of course I want the best for us both
but who could know it
the best is a flaw in every design
it surrounds intentions
and stitches itself thoroughly into
every color lit up
over the misogynist’s quilt;
looking like a mere misanthrope with no home..

I have to be sweet now
turn over every mans stable-switch
stand up to my age…
outweigh the anxious pain
burning from my pit, catching the tonsils
and smoking black my tongue..
so now when I try to speak
the same perfect words;
out comes the charred remains of some misanthrope
looking like there was good intent
masking the misogynist in me… but

with the light of intent faded
I swear what remains is a genuinely angry
lover. Jealously in love. stitched
to every breath someone else might be seeing
not knowing the sight
is a young heart searching
and dear God I hope she finds me…

Reassemble the pieces…
we had a memory of the morning
talked of cabin homes and mountain sides
we wore the skin of love
all our faces wore it too

undying, unending, unadulterated,
without measure and without condition
worded right off our tongues..

but now how can I bury the planets?
can the dead now bury the dead?

I wish the art could eat up the bones..

she now is a body of lies
stitched up with contempt
built up in my blood
given eyes again to see for herself
the ogre of I
whose hands slaved to save
the girl who would run at the sight of my head undone and shaky fingertips
which slaved to stitch up the both of us

..now in her health, she has gained the mind to see the disaster of me..

there is no hope for tomorrow
there is no hope
none for life or after
none for freedom
none for any thought
without His say so. in all things we wear the great weight of His grinning. He must first be eased, first be convinced, for a life to advance..

your defenses are defenses of clay.

my friends have said to me: you talk with so many words, scrounging for all the answers. but does your life even reflect the truth you speak? you know what they say of he who sprays so many words.. the Lord cannot speak to you when you’ve clothed yourself in sin, to do so would defile the qualities of wisdom. if you were really listening, you’d hear His rebuke.. who can know His plan? He does what He wants, and no one can stop Him. If you would direct your heart properly, and even submit to Him, and if you should get rid of all that crud you keep dealing with. then, then my friend you will be able to look up to heaven, and see that endless light. Then you would trust Him, because there is hope; and you would look around and rest in the security. You would finally rest, and no one could steal that from you.

and I have said :
oh.. you truly are the only wise in the world?!, then with you all wisdom will also die. I am no fool, and am not inferior to you. And who DOESN’T know all that you’ve vomited back at me? Am I a joke to you?
Those who are at ease in this life, those are the ones to fear. For they hold calamity in contempt, as if it is only for those who’s feet slip? Yet it’s clear that the cruel are in power over us, and yet we know that God has given out all authority? So instead look around you, ask the trees or the animals or birds or the fishes, every one of these knows that the hand of the Lord has done this, and Whose hand is the life of every living thing, and the breath of all mankind?! Does not the ear test words, as the tongue tastes its food? wisdom and understanding come with age, therefore it’s is infinitely obvious that there is no one who could out age the Lord! I could never know more than Him! He builds what I cannot tear down, and tears down what I cannot rebuild. He does what He wants… I know this, just as you know. But I still will speak to the Almighty. I desire to argue with God. but you smear with lies; you are worthless physicians, medicating yourselves to appear as the ones you think the Lord requires you to be. I wish you would just be completely silent, and THAT would be your wisdom. And even listen to my argument before having a defense. if you shut up, will you be doing the Lord injustice? You would be speaking deceit or anything. Which is better for you, because if you are showing partiality in your speech then He will surely reprove you.
your religious phrases are like ash.
your defenses are defenses of clay.
so shut up. and let come on me what may. Yet why should I, who is scarcely sustained already off the skin of his teeth, why, why would I put my life into my own hands? Though He steals from me, and He slay me, still my only hope is always in Him.. nevertheless, I will argue my ways before Him. This also will be my salvation, for a godless man may not come before His presence.