nathanael.ink

I love when people stop, or simply only quote verse 7.
I think, the message of Christ has been meticulously, scrupulously dissected. and now laid out on our operation table, we see all the pieces.. yet now, it is that moment, when you realized, the objects original creator, designer, has accomplished a work that I cannot even reorganize. with just these pieces in front of me, I can only make a mess of them.. it is unlike deconstructing a toaster, and then thinking back to how it came apart, and what it’s function is, I begin to see and feel the thoughts that went into creating; in that sense, I get to look this object through the lens of the creator, watching how their brain works in the functionality of this toaster.
however, my brain absolutely cannot reassemble the Gospel from a scattered ensemble of truths.. this is why we so often end up with different concepts of who God is, because we try this didactic method of decomposition.
this is why, I love to often stop, and just stare at the majesty of the work, and read of its description from those with clearer lenses.
all this to say, I think I have missed the true result of salvation, what it means to pursue sanctification, to submit to Christ. like, I’ve got this getting saved thing down, but all this stuff that they say comes after, I just, I wrestle with reassembling it.. but the truth is, that IT IS the truth. and I should stop trying to fit it into my puzzle, and just realize that this puzzle in front of me, this construct of the divine, will never be construct-able by human hands and human reason.
and so I seek wisdom and pursue understanding..
“casting all your anxiety upon Him, because He cares for you.” – ok awesome, i can do that, I don’t have to worry about my car, or my future or my job or getting married or any of that stuff. all those trouble that make life so tough, I can cast those on Him. beautiful.
“Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” – oh wow.. yeah now you are kind of making me worry. you want to be on my guard? I thought you were just telling me to loose the belt buckle and veg out, cuz man He’s got it.. now I’m confused
“Be resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world” -wait? resist? like.. an active sense of ‘resist?’ .. and you mean the sort of suffering you were talking about earlier that you guys are going through? like losing your life and being slandered among everyone because of your righteousness? and I should feel peace because other Christians are getting killed too?! I want to know that other Christians are living in mansions with no debt and a wife and kids that all love to read the bible! I don’t feel better to know this world is killing the best of us!
“and after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” – holy cow.. you’re serious about this.. you don’t mean a little while now I worry about my car and job and then later get a mansion because I practice tithing.. you mean.. .. ..

so if you’re in that place, and if this is the message your telling those who follow Christ, because THIS is the issue they are facing.. how come I’m not facing this issue? how come I’m only struggling with myself, rather than struggling against the heavy, dark, hands of the world reaching up from a cold, pale, earth trying to enslave and shut up my brothers and sisters and I.. this is my war. that I will remain righteous even against the slander and persecution of this world.. to still be fighting for righteous within myself.. is another issue entirely,
one for which is fought
at the cross,
every morning. posted up. dead and dying throughout the day. sad and hanging. the old man screams for me, but cannot run after me with a crucified, lame, limp body. from which my very core of a man has escaped as with Christ
and risen with new life. newness of life. freshness of creation. the smell of Christ on my flesh, and banner of victory raised: this is how I should be facing the world, setting to death the old man, and making a stinkin’ habit of it. that I could grow, and receive the meat of this gospel. no longer living as a slave to sin, but as an heir.
an heir to the throne, for which only my King sits. and only His scepter extents out to rule and reign over all things which have ever been, and ever will be..
my God, my King, and my Father… may I not run from Your cup, may I never bind of living Breath, the Spirit of Life, the Spirit inside me which awakens and convicts and grants me eyes that I could see… forever and ever Your mercy will greet me in the morning to face such an early death
everyday.
selah… amen

.. that loves touch could lure me away from the ebb of my soul.. constantly reaching out onto the shores of His love, and then with the tide crawling back away from the land where my love has built His dwelling…
Lo, does not the land and earth reside even bellow the waters? It is not even the crevasse of the rock that I my body dwells?
Therefore, even my ebb is subject to occupy the same territory owned and operated by His love. In the wanderings of my mind, will, and emotions; they all exist on the land of His mercy.. the land for with His kinghood rules eternally.
now then where can I go, for which He will not allow? and where can I wander where He will not already be waiting?
There is no recoil from my Loves land, no tide to pull me away, for He occupies all things. instead there is only the creation of His absolute love, and this lifetime to explore it.
there is now therefore no place for my soul to seclude itself from His dominion of love, grace, and truth..

do my eyes churn out grey,
fog fill up my brain?
my face to coarse paper,
my hair to coarse veins?

do I wear it
or am I worn?
is it tearing
or dare, be torn?
_____________________________________

I am in a sour mood. absolutely sour. absolutely circumstantial.

I like my religion, because faith without works is dead.
this is a basis, for so many logical platforms.
it’s at the summit of words without action are dead. null. void. incoherent and foolish, for it is to speak empty breaths. or rather, it is to breathe and call is speech and beg we all believe what you just now did not speak..
my problem is with everyone. my problem is with me. there is a heart at stake somewhere, but I’m not sure where…

it does not feel good to be here. or at least, I know that it won’t. but right now. to revel. feels outstanding.

dear God on a night like this
could You undermine everything I’m doing

all that i am

some dark depressing hallway
with the world up your sleeve and your human in the way
of you letting out
through his mirror maze of doubt

your feet are like fifty fried little beetle heads
all rolling down the Oakly Run
making circles around everything, can’t
tell them worth anything..

I heard you from the hills
the creator’s silent song of love
you can speak it in the night
when you would leave your body
because on earth we know no empty

everyone, express everything for me
I don’t want to say it first
I just want to agree, transmit emotive response
feel like you know, without me saying
feel like you felt it, when I felt it
the world should sing; little sun burnt lovers on the lake
take your bright red hands and feel what I have felt
say it then, and I will affirm from here
…
let the waterfall
fall from the highest rock
onto another’s face
I will hear it from here
the bliss in the voice
which bursts out the deepest expression
to feel this way is to
is to feel sooo this way!
I will smile from here,
I will love it from here. I will know where you are
I will have been there.

I want to agree with you. I don’t want to say anything first… let me live and walk along and repeat the Word and rephrase the way I meant to say He is love and He is good and He is… etc.
speak. I just want to love it. speak. I just want to hear it. I just want to love you in it, from here, I want to feel all of it.

……

I’m quiet and you thought you heard me but
what I was saying
was under no intentions. of which hell can stay full of
I am still silent and you hear what your listening to over what I am not communicating over what you’re listening to
here here here I am tell like I am someplace here enough to be a place you could be but, alas there is yet still lonely rivers running without a river to run along side, there is still water, there are snake lakes, but I cannot help but feel that they feel alike and unalone. each eventually ascending and descending with all each othere. aall each other…