nathanael.ink

ebb and flow, as something pours up over, from under something is withdrawing. in the same instant, He gives and takes away..

I had not know, surely I had not, that Love would be enough, when love was not. that Love could come through and disorient me from the consistency of a cruel world; that Love could have me believing in a joy that is. is. is. without reason it. is. and peace that is just there, without the sense or backing of my brain. there must be an understanding that many things cannot be understood EVEN to by “understanding it is not understandable” for that, is too much understanding to create enough. I think, when He says faith like a mustard seed, it is, very, very logical(as logical as can be regarding faith.) as faith to me, if my loose grasp of it would think, is a solid action and thought which is to fill the space between two points of a logical thought, between the end is disclosing the problem in full detail and heading toward scrounging for a seed to plant in a fertile and sound location in my brain; one which hopefully has been dedicated to the operating methods which God has displayed from literature and Heaven.

I think, perhaps is it just my poor word choice, but I often call someone an idiot, while love is in my heart. now, maybe it is just a severely poor understanding of love, which I would not hesitate to believe if someone knowing more of love could support against me, but it just seems I seldom have a scab so hard that I forget the sour inside or the pleasure that preceded the pain. It is easy for me to harbor, but hard to hold

onto it, and perhaps to you, to each human being which interacts with me, you could come as soon go, and I might not feel more or less than a love which does not regard any words we exchange. maybe, I should value that I value people, believing that in fact most people do not find value is others, while I do, even when I refer to them as idiot and perhaps even wastes of my time.

oh and music, is a beautiful distraction

I like my music. and I feel under appreciated. by myself.

Sometimes I think that I don’t believe in myself, until I see someone else, and am befuddled with all the obstruction which seem to be between every which thought they attempt to think through. I also encounter the complex within myself, becoming frustrated that I could think so lowly of human beings, as I in fact do not feel they are worthless by any measure, and to think highly of them, I find myself wanting to think of myself as worthless(by instinct.)  But this too I cannot do with my full heart or full consciousness..

I’ve begun working out. Matt has a whole set thing, so I do a set, then read a chapter, then do a set, and read another chapter, and so forth. It’s quite the experience,  seems a fatal duo toward ignorance, in my opinion. I realized the my body is all I got here, and if I might like a woman who herself can demonstrate the regard for herself enough to maintain a healthy form, I too ought to demonstrate such self-regard. While I have never felt incapable in terms of my strength or, necessarily, my physical self.. I just decided, I want to be better, and it seems like a much better habit for after work than to sit and play video games.

I’m reading Srewtape Letters now, and recently purchased Mere Christianity as a gift to myself for finishing Screwtap Letters. also I have a website that works, and I consider by a domain name for it, but, I cannot decide. I am afraid of the ground which I may be planting my seeds.. while at the same time I am afraid of the realization of burying my talents.. so, I am quite at a loss.  until something tells me that I have no true talent, and then it makes this easier. and then harder when try to believe in God, in all in that implies.

also I think the uncategorized existences of myself and of some others has been categorized by others unlike ourselves, and for this I am.. disappointed. just as I am with “non-denominational” becoming a denomination. I am, quite bothered, that non-denominational can be said and accepted so easily as a denomination which one may or may not agree with(being from a denomination.) for that I too am, disappointed.

http://www.wix.com/nathanaelpw/music is music

that in time enough, there will not be enough time between when I am lonely, and when I am happy, for me to grow at all.

I feel it getting shorter, and I am nearly frightened.

unless perhaps I am mistaken, maybe they have become so extended that  all the slight rivets and facets in the long lengths have become more significant to me, and maybe that is just as God intended. For these long troughs. perhaps that is where life takes place, not between the trial and error and trail and success, but in the expanse of each. and the shift between the two is something I will eternally feel. it was never meant to be gradual.