nathanael.ink

Sometimes I think that I don’t believe in myself, until I see someone else, and am befuddled with all the obstruction which seem to be between every which thought they attempt to think through. I also encounter the complex within myself, becoming frustrated that I could think so lowly of human beings, as I in fact do not feel they are worthless by any measure, and to think highly of them, I find myself wanting to think of myself as worthless(by instinct.)  But this too I cannot do with my full heart or full consciousness..

I’ve begun working out. Matt has a whole set thing, so I do a set, then read a chapter, then do a set, and read another chapter, and so forth. It’s quite the experience,  seems a fatal duo toward ignorance, in my opinion. I realized the my body is all I got here, and if I might like a woman who herself can demonstrate the regard for herself enough to maintain a healthy form, I too ought to demonstrate such self-regard. While I have never felt incapable in terms of my strength or, necessarily, my physical self.. I just decided, I want to be better, and it seems like a much better habit for after work than to sit and play video games.

I’m reading Srewtape Letters now, and recently purchased Mere Christianity as a gift to myself for finishing Screwtap Letters. also I have a website that works, and I consider by a domain name for it, but, I cannot decide. I am afraid of the ground which I may be planting my seeds.. while at the same time I am afraid of the realization of burying my talents.. so, I am quite at a loss.  until something tells me that I have no true talent, and then it makes this easier. and then harder when try to believe in God, in all in that implies.

also I think the uncategorized existences of myself and of some others has been categorized by others unlike ourselves, and for this I am.. disappointed. just as I am with “non-denominational” becoming a denomination. I am, quite bothered, that non-denominational can be said and accepted so easily as a denomination which one may or may not agree with(being from a denomination.) for that I too am, disappointed.

http://www.wix.com/nathanaelpw/music is music

that in time enough, there will not be enough time between when I am lonely, and when I am happy, for me to grow at all.

I feel it getting shorter, and I am nearly frightened.

unless perhaps I am mistaken, maybe they have become so extended that  all the slight rivets and facets in the long lengths have become more significant to me, and maybe that is just as God intended. For these long troughs. perhaps that is where life takes place, not between the trial and error and trail and success, but in the expanse of each. and the shift between the two is something I will eternally feel. it was never meant to be gradual.