as you grow
I grow
the two will never meet
as you grow
I grow
into more of you & out of present me
the two will never meet
-
oh that was before the end
oh that was before the end
a whirl dies down
my family and them at some event
some picture I’m not in
I can’t recall the final time
& dates don’t help
forever
I said
eternity in my heart I meant
I heard GOD’s present moment is big
so big my past and future fit in it
I hate GOD
or
I hate being GOD
I hate having back the present moments I passed
I cannot know whoever they are now
I hate how when I am GOD I already know where this is going
I hate being GOD and sitting on my hands to keep from putting the world I want togetherI don’t want them free
I don’t like knowing someone said they loved me and will never say it againthe only thing I like about GOD might be not changing
if I cut my hair I am another person
the old is passing and the new still becomingall of this before the end
one which I still cannot tell is ever coming -
it never occurred to me as a child
that I could even hope for life to be enjoyable
I was primed
(accidentally groomed, one might say)
to hate being alive
to think that the only thing really worth being
is dead & with jesus after it
& in heaven where
being alive might actually be niceit rarely occurs to me, even now,
that the greatest service I could do for GOD
is…well I guess I’m not sure I just…
I’m just trying to be alive -
his name on the lease
where she takes me in
she takes the same steps
to get to iti’m guessing my keys
used to be hisand even in my bed
his name slipsshe wishes
she never… thoughhis name on the lease
& their anniversary is the wi-fi password
and she wants to move to Portland
and she wonders why she hates it here
where I am& I watched his name renew
on their anniversary
on the new lease
in the city
where I liveand she hates it here
she says -
historical now
do you feel haunted?
can you forgive
when you notice
how unlikely it is
that anything we currently believe
is correctare you petrified?
can you feel
free of dreaming of knowing anythingi know we are primitive
to eight thousand years from now
& on our evolutionary scale
that might as well be the same
time as me
even existingwhat would it mean
to enjoy living
& noticing
you, like me, are every living thing -
*some people i love are dead*
some people i love are dead
i recall
just when i begin to hate my experience
my experience of lethargy
of apathy
of a cold cool depressive state
where i look through all of my belongings
and find nothing
as some people i love are dead
so for them
there is no experience
none at all to wish they were not in
none to long for
none even to recall
for me, at least, i think
i prefer this to that
i would rather crawl into a slow ball completely spent
i would rather wring my hands in longing for
the faith i used to have
i would rather use all of my attention to ensure i am taking at least one more
(and one more)
than not breathe at all
than give it all
than lose any possible chance to see again
someone that i love
and feel loved again
by them -
good for
“I don’t have to make you happy”
it startsand every thought since then has been
“why not”and every thought since then has been
a tiny dropa tiny drop on the well established order of
“I could never make anyone happy”
& “I am good for nothing”I do not know how these became the standard model
(that is not my business)but doctrines of complete depravity
I do not think helped“I don’t have to make you happy”
it says& “no one is asking you to”
replies& what this respondent does not know
is that I already know no one
is asking for
me to doanything
for themas I said, they are already certain
I am good for nothing. -
my reasons to live expire
like ingredients you buy for a meal you never make
my reasons to live expireand I,
my blood and bones,
expire tooone just has to time it right, I think
to die before our reasons doI’d hold out longer
if I had any reason toI’ve run the calculous
over and over nowthat nearing me is painful
so what better way to keep everyone who loves me
at a safe distanceI have a language that I can speak
but it isn’t englishby the time I go to work tomorrow
I’ll forget why I haven’t quitI’ll wonder, like I always do,
why they ever settled for me in this positionand I’ll decide to do what they always wanted
but never knew how to ask forI can’t afford lunch
I can’t afford lunchmy lease is up
I can’t afford lunchthe descending lit up numbers of the elevator
I’m trying to see some daylightit’s overcast
I don’t know what to do with my cats
I’m trying to see some daylightevery crack in the pavement collects little rocks in them
I’m trying to see some daylightthe beautiful Nigerian on the sidewalk
we barely scrape some eye contact
they are barely not starving to death
no exercise of gratitude could cancel thisI’d like to starve to death, once
to know, finally, what it will be like
for the universe
once we string outthe shirt I wore is too warm
these big headphones, too warm
I want to starve to death
I’m trying to see some daylight
I can’t afford lunch
my blood and bones
expire
and my reasons to live
and my reasons to live
too -
(this experiment still didn’t help)
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me -
“Cannot we just always be happy?”
If there were nothing in the mourning
we could not have at peace
then I’d agreeas it is
I think
compassion only grows in grief
compassion only learns another’s name
suffering.“What about a world with no suffering? Is that not the place compassion too compels us toward? Is it, therefore, no holy aim?”
I’ll answer.
Once compassion finds
compassion’s aiming end — it obliterates
& all its excess energy imparts
itself to life
and living it.
nathanael.ink 