things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
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things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
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things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
-
(this experiment still didn’t help)
-
the luckiest glimpse
when we become
when you become
so tired
so completely // unambiguously tired
& it (our energy) expires forever
our facade falls
our bodies lay
our faces
our faces slip
and the lucky
the luckiest of us
will catch beyond
behind
(what is behind)
what we call ourselves
the luckiest catch
some reflection
of our exact
our energy (our lack of it)
& let our face slip
our body lay
facade fall& the luckiest glimpse
it // and never wonder again
where our beauty is -
“Cannot we just always be happy?”
If there were nothing in the mourning
we could not have at peace
then I’d agreeas it is
I think
compassion only grows in grief
compassion only learns another’s name
suffering.“What about a world with no suffering? Is that not the place compassion too compels us toward? Is it, therefore, no holy aim?”
I’ll answer.
Once compassion finds
compassion’s aiming end — it obliterates
& all its excess energy imparts
itself to life
and living it. -
on the experience of grief over time
i experience him gone
but then
i experience him heregrief makes me know
it is like the physicist says
& grief makes me experience it
how time could all be equally real
& no illusions
as past and future never collapse
instead, it is that grief can make my present growthe mystics make it sound so odd
but everyone who has lost someone
who has ever held a ghost
everyone who has ever loved and notices how wrong it is to say
to say “loved” in the past tense // knows
they know
how grief makes the present grow
engulfing our entire lived experience
and pulling in the future too
the future we already know
we know will have the same
the same cavity where they should be
we experience it
in the growing of our griefand so we grieve it all at once
from the last look on their face
to the death of the universe -
our stories
evaporate // all
keep holding out
wishing it to be
eventually
we can wish
everlastingness
what I mean is
all we will ever be
is the story of today
and whether or not
it gets permission
to mean a fucking thing
in us
how many empires
must we see dissolve
until it settles in
that there is no permanence
permanence we keep living our entire lives
thinking of
dreaming up
undying all our buried pains to get us there
our stories all
evaporate
and what is left after that?
I think
is the great Nothingness
who has spent our entire lives telling us
do not hurry along
do not dream of it
do not wish your present moment away
I have held this gate
and this great eternal megaphone // screaming
you are missing everything
wishing for Me
our great suffering // I think
is exactly the sort of thing
we will someday
never experience again
&
&
& wish we did -
i feel a heavy cry
pale
and watery
bricks
a sun is setting
dragging out and down
the entire blue sky
why does it run away from me?
what did i do?i feel a heavy cry
eking barely out
i want release
i want release
my heart is Vesuvius
i wish
to be covered me in ash//make known to the world
what i hide inside
my heart is Vesuvius
cover me in ash -
,sabəˈtər
indiscriminate
tumult
in merowdy mouths
I want to talk to every one
and calm them down
// instead I’m all just
heavy
lungs
in a sickly littered
ugly hugis there no spirit in me to speak?
no gift of tongues
even when I need them?8 o’clock
& we aren’t eating
// we said we would
we said at 8 o’clockbut I undid it
us
I knew
I knew I would -
her words
her words ran out
and // I wanted to give her more
and couldn’t
and knew itso I scattered pens
I democratized the lines
to let her complete in the reader’s mindI saw a veil
where her throat should be
a veil
from before the one that Jesus tore
barely breathing &
peaking outand behind it all
was everyone
advertising answers
for grief barely begunI couldn’t tell if she was holding it all up
or taking it down
or if she had integrated it
into who she is now -
him along
I still limp him along
he in my head
words on my tongue
half are mine half are his
hard to say
which is whichI still limp him along
when I get drunk
when I scold the young
or love someoneI limp him along
in the sounds that I make
wishing all my pain awayI limp him along
through the cries of a cat
the smell of his clothes, and the cloves that he smoked in them
I wish came backoh I limp along
oh I limp along
I would think more of it
and of after it
were it not for himI’m glad to know he knows its answers
& glad to know I do not know them -
(someday)
i want to (someday)
be alive for the joy
of living//not for the other people
not for the other sake of
not letting all of all of the people down//not anticipating
some payout
not for the hope of
not for tomorrowi want to (someday)
be alive
for the sake
of being alive
and wanting to be
