meaning – Page 3 – nathanael.ink

August 8, 2024

loud singer man

i cannot wish i wasn’t
enough
i could wish i was and wish i was and wish i was enough and enough and enough
i could wish i knew and wish to be different and still never be
i could speak and speak at 9am but still again i will have to speak at 9:15
i will have to speak and speak and bother everybody
i will have to hear them try to help while resounding in agreement that i am the odd one out
that what i have is my problem and i will have to let them know over and over until i die

i hate that i look the same as them
i hate that i look so close enough that they can forget
maybe if my head was twice the size
or my body drifted off to one side
if my legs were both twisted in
if my back was deeply bent
maybe if i did not blend in they would not forget and forget and forget

maybe i don’t want them to ask me
maybe i do
maybe i just want them to know already
or know that they care enough to know

i am the loud singer man
and i don’t want to have to be
everybody’s chance to practice self reflection
i do not what to be that kind of gift
(gifts with clauses and conditions to receive)

i am the loud singer man and even if you say I’m not
that doesn’t make a difference
because someone is

Blog, Poetry

autism, meaning, poem, poetry
August 1, 2024

tomorrow they’ll see

i was different today,
and yesterday,
and before that,
forever back.

tomorrow, i think,
i’ll be the same.
i’ll wear pink when they wear pink,
i will wink when they wink,
and scream when they scream.

tomorrow they won’t even notice.
i won’t be different anymore;
i won’t even be me.

tomorrow, i think,
i’ll be free.

tomorrow, i won’t even have to stand up for myself anymore.
i’ll be what they want me to be.
i’ll sit in the seat,
i’ll speak when they speak,
and scream when they scream.

tomorrow they’ll see,
they’ll see,
i don’t even have to be me.
i can be them,
and even float into my grave.
i can even float into my grave like this,
like them.

Blog, Poetry

autism, grief, loss, meaning, poem, poetry
August 1, 2024

whatever we want to be

whatever we want to be gets funneled through
shelves,
shoved into
bookcases for books,
hardware for wood,
lumber and wool.

whatever we want to be gets a laugh,
a cackle in the back,
a cough from the furthest pew,
a sleepy “z” from the child in their mother’s lap.

whatever we want to be
will have to be us,
and be what it will never be for anyone else.

you push uphill
and pull down the shelves.
you rip every stitch and wake up everyone.

write, for yourself,
the book and the shelf and the wool and the wood,
the comedy and cathedral and sleepy congregants.

write the way the mother loves the child,
and write the way you notice
nobody noticing you,
except
that one person, the only one we even matter to,

you.

Poetry

autism, meaning, poem, poetry
July 24, 2024

why i feel weird about you at happy hour

it’s just that
i had a drunk
as a friend
from the time my life began
to the time he ended his

and then
i had another drunk
from then
to the time i discovered it
on the call
and driving her to the hospital

this poem will make space for the pain i’m in
without it controlling me
and you must keep space to have a drink
without being controlled by it or the pain in me

Poetry

grief, loss, love, meaning, poem, poetry
July 20, 2024

Pairs of Cinnamon Teal

pairs of Cinnamon Teal
look the same until god wants something

and so I glow without permission
until god tells me to stop

Cinnamon Teal are quiet
I think I should be

Poetry

faith, meaning, philosophy, poem, poetry
January 26, 2024

the name of happiness

when a single Harper Adams dies
the earth of seeds & petals cry
a low and quiet cry

:: cup your hands over your ears
to hear ::

the lull of mindfulness we want to feel
in child’s pose
to drink the drink of happiness
from the yellow of the rose

whose name we say is meaningless
unto the content of its soul
but all we want is happiness
& all we do
is name
and name and name
even the naming of the rose

Poetry

depression, happiness, meaning, poem, poetry, Taoism, theology
January 23, 2024

directions to mattering’s house

mattering’s house is present
it can feel elusive but isn’t

you’ll pass every tombstone and birth certificate

look for its window toward the future
that’s where mattering sometimes sits for breakfast

if you pass the moment you have gone too far
but carry on if you still see anything behind you

mattering’s house is present
they can’t live anywhere else

look for the mayfly or dandelion seed in the air
they aren’t exactly there but at least you’ll know you’re near

we’ve passed the house I think a thousand times while reading this
but don’t worry it is still there

oh, and their house has everything in it
you will love being, well,
here

Poetry

meaning, philosophy, poem, poetry, Taoism
January 3, 2024

feel awake

i want to feel awake
i like to be baptized
so that a man’s hand on my back can shoot me up from the water
you forget
there is a last time you’ll swim with your father
in a plastic pool or city lake
and even if he mostly held you under
sometimes still
he shot you up from the water
and the water looking on
and us awake
i keep pulling the sheets off of my head
but it’s not the same

Poetry

childhood, loss, meaning, poem, poetry
December 4, 2023

3-4yr olds (twice as much)

for every minute you’re teaching them
you need two
of play togethering

for every time they look up at you
or come and find you
you need two
where you saw and found them first

for every project you make them do
you need two
invented on their own

and when all eleven voices
are begging for attention
you need twenty two separate times
you offered them attention first

whatever you ask of them
twice as much
you must give

and from whatever love you put in
twice as much
you will get

Poetry

childhood, children, early childhood, love, meaning, poem, Preschool
September 24, 2023

christ in mind

if it turns out that GOD
is legible
to my mind
then where are the words located
with respect to me
if GOD is a voice I hear
in my head
did Jesus hear it too? and if Jesus is Christ and Christ is GOD
does GOD hear the same voice that we do?
(even if it’s just the way I hear my voice in my head)

Do GODs thoughts run in trains like mine
or are they somehow all at once
the closest thing I know to that
is a panic attack
when all the windows into my conscious mind quickly close
and even I can’t get access back
it looks like when two trains collide
that’s why I wonder if it happens when too many thoughts overlap

I want a faith so strong it doesn’t matter how the facts turn out
If GOD is a voice to me the way that Judah has become
does that at least mean GOD was once alive? like Judah once was?

I don’t want to be afraid of finding things out about the world
maybe it’s like how some people say
that people change
but we can’t know for sure if they change
or if we just learn more about them
or they learn more about them

whatever GOD is like
with or just a voice or not
I hope that GOD
will stay.

Art, Poetry

christianity, faith, meaning, philosophy, poem, poetry

Tag: meaning