i want to (someday)
be alive for the joy
of living
//not for the other people
not for the other sake of
not letting all of all of the people down
//not anticipating
some payout
not for the hope of
not for tomorrow
i want to (someday)
be alive
for the sake
of being alive
and wanting to be
the cost of heaven
I scoop her up
my two hands are open
let me drink
the soul of the earth
the spirit of wind
her heart wet and eternal
JESUS is on record
saying I am worth it
my edifice says
in delight “I am”
this entire city sees
my shape swallow us
in art and love
in love and attention
I’ll hold her in
I’ll hold her up
the poem has already done what I set for it to do
for me // now all I am wondering is if it can do anything
for you
a star on the kinetic sand snowman is everything
the year they will spend with me is 20% of their entire life
the next five minutes then, even
is so much more to them than it could ever be to me
the challenge then, is to let it be
the star on the snowman is everything
the kind of person who does not like themselves
who does not enjoy spending time with themselves
will almost certainly not like you
you who are the kind of person
who likes spending time
with just the kind of person
they do not like
it all is around
and you wonder why you cannot stop
obstinate
obstinate
your teeth in your forearm
your heels digging in
I won’t help you
I cannot
lose someone
again to this
the next thing I want to watch die
is my own crabby pair of hands at one hundred and five
I won’t be here to watch
an alcoholic spread
it’s not a thread to just tie up
instead, this is the only evidence you have been forced to see
evidence of your entire life whaling
in a turbulent sea of pretense and false beliefs
that there are no beasts beneath
yourself a kind of stoic saint, you think
you mock our brittle hearts that scream
all the while it’s you
and
and I cannot hold you the way I want to
the way I would if I was GOD
what I know
is that not knowing what you’re feeling
is not the same as having none
you are purchased every time that you deny
the entire world alive inside
inside you
floods of needs and feeling words
you’ll find alcohol does not shut them up
it just plugs your ears so you’re even less aware…
which is how, in the first place,
we got here
looking close enough, we know
none of our atoms touch
and you
imagining
independence
trip into noticing
a human kindness
how we are all atoms
of some universal being
and we are only ever not touching
in the silly scientific way that nothing is
when I search your name online
it doesn’t give me chills
or turn my stomach anymore
my skin doesn’t crawl
my hair etherized
when I search your name online
I don’t worry what I’ll see
or whose face will live so near to yours
a dazzling silver ring
a coffin full of love
when I search your name online
no one else even comes up
_________________anymore
you ran across the world
you always said you would
and when you search mine
the way I practice all the time
you’ll see me
and say nothing
safe
& comfortable, it sounds so
familiar
there isn’t anything I would do to be free
I keep making
I kept making
kept making so much space
now all I am
is an empty tank
my brain unwraps
when I’m happy then
a sad song on the radio
hails back the cab
I don’t like to be away
I just don’t want to die
or be taken completely
I want to be happy
happy
& home
nathanael.ink 
