i have not been afraid of death
since the time Judah entered it
since then
i have not been afraid
i have not been afraid of death

i know now that he went before me
that i outlived him
and i refuse to say his life was short
short lived or changed
he lived fully then
a full life, like mine, then

meaning, since i have outlived him, already
i too then
have already lived
an entire
and full
an entirely-mine life

i have nothing left to do then
in order to feel that my life is full

all i remain here for
is to make life more wonderful
for whomever i can
when i’m let in

i have not been afraid of death
since he entered it
i know that whatever i face
he has already faced it

and if souls or ghosts gather there
on the other side of the seal
he will be
if there is any “there” to be
and if nothing
nothing is there
i’ll be glad to be extinguished
in the way he has already been
for so long now…

i have kept him alive in my mind
but my mind too expires
and all minds, in time
all minds even when they hold me in them
when i am in them
they still expire
and if subsequent minds hold them
no matter what tradition we catechize
time still expires them
our minds
no matter how long we manage to keep it up

whatever it is
to die
i must eventually know

i cannot keep up my wondering
as cancers and throat sores keep scratching our families
i have imagined all of them gone
gone a hundred times at least
one gone in each of my dreams
one family, one friend
as if preparing me to endure
enduring watching every one
go off exploring that demon door
leaving me alone
to wonder
why we even call it a door
when we don’t know
we just don’t know
what it’s like to be dead
(but Judah does)

we know what it’s like to be nearly-dead
and even to believe oneself to be dead
and then live again
we know those, to be sure

but to be so dead
so dead
we don’t report back
we we haven’t known

the survivors on the raft
don’t tell the story of us
who didn’t make it back

i was not afraid again
of it
when i lost my wife
not to it
but time nonetheless
might be time is worse than death
death, itself, just a limb of time’s carnivorous mind
settled to devour us
all life won’t quench its ticking teeth digging into us
death just a means
of many
for extinguishing

i have not been afraid of even it
since the last time we kissed
my wife at the door
just getting the words out
crossing our fingers in different directions
“things get better” did not write the book
fall apart
fall apart is what things do

i have not been again afraid of time
since i lost my wife to it
it’s grip i can sneak through
when at last i observe my being
being here
being nowhere else
not the hanging and sloppily weighted past
nor the crunch of grinding tired must-happen plans that cloud our future looking minds
i was outcast
without a home in the future or the past
and like that
since then
i have not been afraid of time again

i know it will claw at me until i cave
and pretend to be a friend
in the way Judas is
but i play along
letting it win
because it doesn’t know
that i know
i am not afraid of it

so death and time
like the last kiss of my wife
i know what you say to my face
and i’m not afraid