nathanael.ink

dismal. wet. unwell. unsuited. perhaps fog, the thick of it on every window, glass panel, or mirror, or all- I cannot look at any of it, I simply feel it. the look of my face reflecting brings old food back up my gullet.

this is the sort which makes nakedness both extensively repulsive while the lack of it is utmost dishonesty which to God should appear vile and putrid.. which to God should be condemned.. which to God should be awful, should be.. should be. says a mind in the midst of this. how unclear can a cloud be so thick? how unclear can a mind get?- while I have never known, I imagine I am close.

the sort which has men dress in colors starkly close to an utmost black, so near that an abyss might envy the trueness emitted off the heart and let out dull and brilliantly bright by the dimly color clothes… in it I feel my spirit rise at least to the medium God has made for the sinful but honest heart.

metaphorically I envy the blind, while in honesty my sight currently fills things with lighter shades they ought to have, it comes in first from my corners of sight, and burst in every now and again.

I ought to take care of my taxes.. but all the places I have looked for the things I need, I am disappointed to find only papers and relationship shrapnel..

I ought to look beyond the places I think my things would be, all immediate me. I ought to go up and out of my way, and make my father proud, at least my share due today, and find the things I need, which still somehow have involved him. saving money, is also his business since I was born to him. and glad to be so. I just, .. just wish it were easier to neglect a good thing…

..God let me say it, and feel the remorse due, not just emit it and thereby feel fine.. or try, try to feel fine..