nathanael.ink

I have laid down the priest of my obsessions, the conjurer of my desires. I have sought each answer, earnest as I could. I drove, and in the middle of two locations I was ripped with the thought that I could not be judged by my works.

.I am desperate to hear His voice. where I have found peace for myself in knowing I have done what is right, I felt it slip from under me. where I have comforted myself in knowing that I have done all in my power to do; it becomes a weak substance, a rain soaked wood which will bow and break under any weight at all. I could not but weep there, and feel lost as a sheep who does not know the masters voice, but reads book on ways to walk and things to consider, and I felt as if I had followed all good directions, but I have started from the wrong place, looking the wrong way, and I now find my eyes close and my body stuck between heavy rocks and standing on cracks which open up to swallow me. and as any sheep, I cried out with a high squealing voice. I beg even now for my Master, as I know I have done what I can to be in His flock, and I know He longs to watch over me..

I recalled this morning, myself having stories which would say “then He told me” and I began to wonder what it felt like, and how I believed it, and how He sounded. last night my heart shredded at the thought that at the end of days when I stand before Him, what if I did not recognize Him? What if His eyes were unfamiliar to me? What if I not see His hands and think “there they are, the hands which held me up, and gave me life”? and not because I question the truth of Him, but because I question myself. for worst of all, what if He does not know me? What if I had been so far lost in foolishness that I made my own replica-god.. one which was all so much what I wanted Him to be.

the perfection and beauty of our King sometimes frightens me, that I could stand before Him, and Him longing to embrace me. I always fear in our embrace He will feel the scabs and the scars and the blood still fresh on my clothes slipping out of my blistered and worn skin.. I imagine Him wondering where I have wandered so uselessly, I imagine His eyes looking so sad with me. I imagine the feeling of betrayal He must feel, knowing I sought so hard for the things of the world, after all He’d done.. but yet, He does none of it. He wraps me up, and heals me quick, prepares His finest feast for me, that I might eat and drink and be made well. He is love, in every infinite facet.

..well of recent I have sought Him to shed light to me, on what to do of a love which boils still in my heart. I have begged even that He remove it entirely that I may justly resolve completely that my heart is ill and inconsistent always. that I may doubt any notion of my heart completely, and it be done in wisdom. He has exposed me, and I have uprooted each that He exposes. She is not my goal, by any measure, but still when I am glad, I think of her. When I think of other men with her, I feel defeated, not that I fight a fight with men for her. most of all, around her, all my preconceived phrasings crack and shatter, and I stand as any fool before her. words don’t happen. they just don’t. each encounter I regret words sometimes even as I say them, or just as I finish them. so again I groaned more restless night that I might draw near to Him and know His voice, not that I could know His voice only to win her heart with whatever perfect direction He would give to me, but it seemed a perfectly clear circumstance that should have very much to do with His opinion on the matter, and the lack of His direction here, made be doubt again my relationship with Him..

but on the same note, I didn’t not want Him to tell me that I was to marry her or not, as I would never want to know the woman I am to marry. I sought only for direction, instructions, a simple word like “yes” or “no” or “now” or “wait” but still nothing. just silence.

and it dawned, as He remains silent, I too will remain silent. as plans fall apart, I will stay silent, and wait until, or if at all, I hear a clear voice tell me it’s time. for how often does God tell a man to do nothing, but instead He watches as we exist, and then tells us “go” and stirs our hearts that we might move.

as even so in all of this, I am willing to act in my least confident areas, and I will open up my heart all again, even further, and I will let whatever comes, come. I would be more than willing.. but it seems so foolish, to repeat and repeat what has never worked before. and I imagine God honors the man who seeks earnestly through all that has been already given to him to find the answer, and so I have done that. and I seek wisdom from every pair of wise eyes I meet. but still, I watch each moment fall apart, never even having the chance. which, might be better. but even now, my heart says “make it happen! make it happen!  MAKE the chance!” but more comes back at me and says “you fool! you’ve tried that so many times before, and it never worked, you would be a fool to try to same thing over and over again” and again “but is there not value in the man who gets rejected a thousand times but does not give up, does God take no pleasure in such an earnest display of love and even jealousy, attributes of even He?” and it continues “you have lost your chance, you could have been a great man, and proven your worth to her by going to college, and being intelligent. but that was just one way you could have taken your life, as you ultimately it’s your life, but you chose another path, God even, has given you another path. you must let go of the things of this world, the things of your old body, and let God give you something new” but ooooh how even now, the latter of the two voices seems so deceitful, full of ill intent and only desiring to destroy me. but on the same token, there ought to be a voice that pulls me back to where I ought to be, a sort of  ‘reality-check’.

but ohhh how I do love her, and oh how I do want to know Him so much more than I want to know her at all. but woe if I cannot be judged by my works..how will I consider myself? as all the things God says I am, as He calls each man He calls? Should I be brave and upfront yet again, but this time with a boasting confidence that I am deserving of her. for if there is one thing I struggle with, it is that I feel so weak in front of her. I imagine she sees each and every flaw I have ever made known. but with her we talk of God, and we encourage each other, and.. and, we talk of God. . and I learn, from my feelings for her.

if I had gone to college and been a doctor I would one day knock on her door brave as any soldier and say to her “look here. I love you, and look what has come of me! I have made something of myself, something which can support you and be for you anything you could need.”

.. but what of a the beauty of two loves which have nothing, but are in bliss with each other. are content to have each other? or should that never happen, because we ought to be only content with nothing with God?

or in all this, is God just too in love with me, to share my heart at all.. I know there is so much truth to that. maybe even just that my heart is not ready for her, or ready to be depended on by other flesh, I am not ready to be one flesh with anyone. maybe He has more to show me which I will not be able to learn with another. .. or maybe He is just what He says He is, a jealous God.. maybe He sees my heart, and He wishes I would see His. and He wants me to call to Him as I do for her. but still I am sure I call to Him soo much more, truly truly I do. but He is jealous as ever, and wants all of it, all of me. I am sure He does.

I am sure there is more for me here, in this place I am with Him. and maybe she would interrupt it. maybe He saves it. and maybe He has a plan, and so He lets my heart not let go of her, because He has something coming. or maybe, He fights with my feelings for her, and wants them gone. but, forgive me if I’m wrong but  I feel I’ve given Him more than enough opportunity to release me of it. for I have been rejected by her, and I have been rejected by others, and I have even loved AND been reject by others all in the time that I felt ashamed of myself, as I felt the burn of her rejection. but yet my heart goes back to her, and not to any other. I will not stay with any other who tells me clear enough that they don’t like me or don’t feel the same way. I am quick to be logical, and I am quite to let them pass from my possible heart.

or maybe, it is all just a really elaborate “you want what you can’t have” which drags onnnn and oonnn. . similar to Emerald, and maybe I created a new Emerald for myself. but pardon me if I am wrong, but I really don’t think that’s it. now only God knows the deepest things of my heart, and I know that. so again I trust Him, and in this thought I search for His wisdom and His words. but maybe, it is too much of twisting His arm to ask Him to speak to me NOW and tell me what to do, maybe He understands that ultimately it’s not a time sensitive issue so He really doesn’t even bother telling me anything now at all. or maybe He just wants me to figure it out, and He’s interested to see how I respond to it. maybe it’s a test. maybe it’s all of these things. I truly and honestly don’t know.

but I can say one thing, if I really believed I was who God says I am, I wouldn’t be so half-hearted about this whole thing. I would be brave, and upfront, again and again. I would believe I am everything she deserves, and she is all of my portion. I would not be so stuck on my image, and the acne that just destroys my face, or the fact that I owe the government $50 dollars a month, and that I owe my dad $3000 dollars. and I have a car that is sitting rotting in his drive way that needs to be sold. and mostly that I didn’t go to college, thus never proved to her that I am deserving. and maybe. bah. I just, I don’t think I’m as awesome as a “more than conquer” or anything like that. I don’t feel like anything is possible through Christ that strengthens ME.. I really truly don’t, and maybe that’s all this is. more of God stirring my heart to go get off my arrrs and win her heart, somehow.. but to not give up. and to believe I am enough for her. maybe it’s all an elaborate self-confidence issue that the enemy has be brewing in me since my adolescence.. and as I write this, I feel easier, and it feels write. and maybe it’s true, that when I write I am closest to God..