nathanael.ink

The road can lead only to immediate things
But I don’t want any of those
So no
I don’t know where I’m headed.

If i should seek a doorway
I cannot consider
the status of the door

If I should seek an open door
I cannot consider
The place in which I’ll go

And if i want to go some place
I will not consider
That i will need a doorway
—- which must also be open.

If it were up to me
I’d be long dead

how does one love a woman who is one way
one day
and another
another day.

lacking foundation
in (I speculate) anything.

I don’t know if the sun is choosing to slow
Or the earth actively decrease it’s spin
Or if by mere coincidence
That a day does not pass in which I have not thought her name

I fought so hard. SO very hard. Harder than I knew one could fight. Like Gabriel on the way down to little Daniel- I thought that I fought… but my measly blows are dust in the wind. Scattered and weightless they thrust themselves at their enemy… I forgot my place. Like Gabriel I thought to myself… Like God I said within my spirit… I will be like them I whispered to her, and to my soul I declared it.
Oh… how I have forgotten myself.
Any kingdom I build is not. It is of wanton glory: to succeed at all. Thank God He kept me from it… I kick and scream for a new job, a woman of my dreams, and He chooses to withhold them both… The executives have not know His deeds in the heavens, they have simply encountered a better fit than me. And likewise she dare not scheme of what God might be doing in me, and may she never receive any credit of knowledge or wisdom, for in her exhaustive foolishness and misguided understandings
in spite of herself God has used our terrible turn of events… may it likewise never be accounted that I did a single thing good in all my meditations and thorough deliberations. It was I who failed the woman. It was my anger. My controlling spirit. It was all me. May I always be embarrassed to say it. But moreover,
what is more unbelievable to admit.. is that He has paid what my guilt owes her.. I long that I could ask her forgiveness to her face. But I fear my own dead affections might rise again and threaten the integrity of my tongue… also I fear she will not receive it or believe in its legitimacy.. lo, in spite of my daft ignorance, He receives me still… and though every word I said to her must be accounted as lies.. words like “love” and “forever” and “never giving up”… still He receives me… and hate the snares that awaited me, the snares I set up for myself.. with my own two hands I ruined what once was good.

To those upon the earth
among whom I have ravaged
scrambling for pieces, slaving for a scrap:

Take all that I own. All to which wears my name, I release it. Wear it. Consume it. Do as you will to all that I have attained here.
And as for the things which I have brought with me from within my central Identity; from the deepest depth of self which even I scarcely perceive: you cannot(with or without intent) dismember or pollute these things, though I hereby offer them to you– to try. While you may set them low or in a high place, themselves remain as they were before even I had known them. They are not yours, and not even mine; for this moment I write I perceive to be unlike the author of which I speak.

It’s possible I may use these things when you are done; should you ever achieve a state of “done.” -however unlike that may be.

On the cusp
the precipice of
two staunchly different possibilities:

Two not divide
my one life into two optional lives
I must view both possibilities from a single lens
one perspective which can keep them both in peripheral.

There are several things this is not. This is to not to look at either directly and put stock partially in(or partially out) of either one in particular. It is not to entertain the thought of one a while, and then try to balance myself again by entertaining the thoughts of the other. This is neither to be dipping my toes(my thoughts) perhaps just a bit in both, and still not simply be abstaining from thinking completely. I will be putting into practice a perspective I surmise envelopes both options. On Monday this perspective will be put to the test(rung through the fire rather.) With or without all its kinks worked out.

This is: that Grace is the means to either end, and Grace is the end to either means.

Among our brand dimension at Discount Tire we have two in particular that penetrate through simply our work ethic and deep into our day-to-day: Unexpected Experience and Can-do Attitude. These two elements are beautiful, very visual, and practical applications of an element much more complex which supersedes the two: grace. This is interesting because “grace” is unlike many words which man makes which simply are a reference something we have already understood; for example words like “car” or “gun” refer to very specific this which we first understood and then labeled with words in order that we might refer to them more efficiently. While a word like “language” is a bit more complicated because it simply refers to the process which man had already be operating in order communicate. It is an open definition which we understand more as we see how man communicates with itself. Likewise grace is something we observe still and gain new understandings of. Grace was before the word “grace” existed. Grace is both a thing (to be in grace, give grace) and a verb when used with an object (to be graced with an unmerited gift.) We understand it best when we see it in practice.

Jesus is such a thing: a seamless embodiment and example of grace in application. His entire person-hood, His means, His end, His cause, and His goal is all grace. He came because of it. He came to offer it. He is coming to accomplish it. Unexpected Experience is a fruit of this. It is when something one could not have ever fathomed or dreamed of, is suddenly reality. Discount Tire sets to provide this to customers with every visit. We hope to go above and beyond the call of duty. To do something the customer did not ask for, did not merit or require of us. We do it because we want to show them that they are more valuable to us than they ever expected. Similarly God’s grace says likewise, but to an infinitely deeper level: that the Triune God would subject Himself to His own creation, the artists himself enters the painting, and gives up His life to show us how absolutely valuable man is to Him. Can-do Attitude does likewise in that it is the attitude it requires to achieve anything that would otherwise seem unrealistic or impractical. Its application is probably clear for intra-company dealings: saying I can beat any competitors price, I can service the car safer and faster than anyone else, and that I can satisfy any and all our customers tire and wheel related problems.

Last Wednesday I saw both of these brand dimensions take a whole new shape. This is my account, exactly as it was written on my phone on the way to the airport, via a Facebook status regarding the days goings-ons of August 29th:
(Please forgive the abundant punctuation and apparent disregard for proper English.)

Today the Senior Vice President of Discount Tire Company showed up at my store. While shaking his hand he told me “I came here to see you Nathanael.”
After some amazing dialogue in the office he said it had been a privileged to meet me.
About 30 minutes after he leaves I get a very significant call…
tonight I will be flying over night in the company jet with the very same man to spend the night and visit corporate all day tomorrow for further interview regarding the Instructional Design position they are considering me for…

There is not doubt in my mind that this is the single greatest company in the world! This same experience that was beyond fathoming, beyond my expansive imagination, beyond ANY conceivable expectation,
this is the very same unexpected experience this company has enabled me to provide to customers for as long as I have been with them! To WOW the heck out of every single person! It’s unbelievable to be so surrounded by a company that is truly OTHERS-minded; because if everyone looks out for someone ELSE’S interests, then ultimately someone will be looking out for yours too.
Praise the One from whom all blessings flow!!!! Sometimes awful things happen in life that make no sense.. and God says “trust me”.. and then sometimes GOOD things happen in your life that make EVEN LESS sense.. and same anthem resounds. Trust Him!

Discount Tire Company, while scrambling their HR department to work out all the intricate facets of my visiting so suddenly, had a single anthem resounding “we can-do this!” While the logical-cap on my mind was blown right off as they informed me of what would be happening to me in the coming hours. Our brand dimensions wore a whole new light. My perspective at the time of my posting on Facebook was so very close to the perspective I intend to be taking as I look to the future while subtly, and critically, different.

The summit of this blog resides in the following lines: grace has almost nothing to do the one who receives it, and everything to do with the one who gives it. Grace is not based on the merit of the recipient. The determining factors for the distribution of grace is primarily and fundamentally held solely by the one who is administering it. Do not let me be misunderstood, it is possible to not receive grace. As shown truly, at rare occasions when a customer just does not want me to solve his, or her, problem. This happens most often when a customer refuses to let go of his, or her, understanding of what ought to happen, or of what the problem really is. It is seldom, but every once in a while when a customer simply cannot understand why we firmly believe the safest practice for installing only two new tires is on the rear of the vehicle, I may offer the customer two more tires absolutely free so that we can complete the set and not have to deal with the issue at all. Even more seldom, but still on occasion, a customer will refuse even to be handed two tires at not cost because they simply want to be right. They want what they want for no other reason than that they want it. This is the main enemy to grace. To say “I don’t want it for no other reason than that I don’t believe I need it!” One can see how this applies to God’s grace offered through Christ. Well likewise it takes shape even through our brand dimension as exemplified in the previous example. This is because these brand dimensions share a partial definition with grace.

Therefore if grace is not provided on account on my merit, than I cannot demand it. August 29th is firstly, primarily, an example of Discount Tire’s commitment to their brand dimensions. As I wrote that day on Facebook: that day was equally an example of Gods grace on me; BUT, what exactly is it that is exemplifying Gods grace? The danger is that my answer would be “God’s grace did such-and-such a thing or prevented such-and-such a thing.” This is a precarious place because is not all of my life a living breathing example of His grace? If I legitimately believe that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God[Rom 2:28] than is not any and everything, blessings and discipline, Gods grace toward me? The answer is “Yes Nathanael, it is all on account of Gods grace through the Son, not your action or inaction.” While I did have to receive and be willing to stay malleable to the plans the company would make for that evening and following day, ultimately this entire event is still firstly exemplifying the character of the company and only conditionally exemplifying my personal characteristic of willingness. While both traits are required, still the crown should be worn by the dealer of the grace while the receiver humbled to have received it at all.

My conclusion is this: that if this wonderful company should choose to provide another Unexpected Experience to another employee who has merited the available position than it is well within reason and should be accounted to them as further example of their outstanding character to do so. It may be that Gods grace on me will have withheld from me something I thought was good for me from my perspective but God saw a better reality. Ultimately God is the author of all truth: all things that are true. I am reminded of the example of teaching a man to fish, the teacher must withhold from simply handing a man a fish in order to teach him the art of fishing. It is not that fish are inherently bad by nature, but rather that there is an overarching value to not getting the fish at this particular moment it time. Instead the fish will be attained in right order post having learned an all together more valuable trait. Therefore if the Lord should choose to teach me something other than what I thought I needed than praises be to Him, the keeper of all wisdom! Likewise if He sees fit that I should receive this position than praises be to Him, the keeper of all wisdom!

The acute distinction is that all things are both caused by His grace, and are done to exemplify His character further; this is my official position. My official perspective on the situation is that grace upon grace encompasses either option. Having a single perspective that does not exclude one or the other is fundamental if I aim to be a retain my same identity in either condition. This is why it is so crucial to be addressing this prior to knowing the outcome. Too often we as humans are nothing more than reactive to the world around us. It is a much a greater understanding of life and identity that suggest we remain (or even change for that matter) in a manner than is not dependent on ones immediate environment. To step outside of oneself and determine who or what our central identity really is. To determine who we really are. The fact of the matter is I am Gods and my central identity is found in and through Him glorifying and magnifying His name. This understanding of myself does not shift in regards to receiving or not receiving the available position for what I cannot articulate better than “my dream job.” Neither potential realities alter my central identity. This my friends, is an abundantly overwhelming comfort in this time of high anxiety and gut wrenching tension as I wait to discover if the position of my dreams will be handed to me or to someone else who I am sure is equally as deserving of the position.

September 10th will be the grinding moment to see if this ideal perspective I have suggested is not only residing in my head as knowledge but rather exacting deep in my heart as belief. We will see if rejection may send me reeling into a pit of remorse or if acceptance would stuff my head with a cocky self-righteous attitude of self-validation; either would be a travesty to my central identity which is wrapped up in the person-hood of the Man Jesus Christ.

Grace and peace to you my dear friends,
please present my name to the King of Glory as you approach Him in your mornings or evenings, pray that I might have peace, and reflect Him in all things.

Sincerely,
Nathanael Walsh