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  • July 12, 2023

    the purpose of life

    it’s hard to see how life could really be about anything other than just enjoying it
    people who will try to sell you on being alive for a whole eternity
    but I feel like they are assuming that being alive at all is at least some sort of net positive
    and even if they imagine that, after this life end, the next life will be markedly better
    they are still relying on our minds having some available cognitive real estate upon which to locate such a fanciful view of alive

    for if we already enjoy being alive, before someone has even tried to sell us on an eternity of it, well
    then I think there is nothing left for them to sell

    I think once we enjoy life and, I mean, actually living and being alive
    as in, right now
    right now being alive
    I think once we enjoy it we can feel that its enjoyment has completed everything
    we find in ourselves no desire either to speed it along or to stretch it out
    because, at last, its purpose has been completely fulfilled
    by, of course,
    our merely enjoying it

  • July 7, 2023

    he asked

    will we live again?

    i don’t know
    i said
    but there is some reason to think so

    he waited

    it’s just that sometimes when i love someone
    i get a feeling that i am them
    i just haven’t been them yet

    i have seen myself in clouds and trees
    and, i know, i am not them right now
    so, it seems, perhaps i have already been

    and do you love me?
    we asked

    and we don’t know
    and will know
    we will know
    eventually

  • June 30, 2023

    maybe they won’t

    sleep
    or smile all day

    maybe they won’t remember
    a single thing I say

    maybe their letters won’t improve
    maybe their friendships will come and go

    maybe they won’t listen
    maybe they won’t line up
    maybe they won’t sit down
    maybe they won’t shut up

    and maybe none of that is so bad
    at all

    maybe what they, and all of us, need
    is just a place to be
    safe
    and know
    that there is space
    for us and every feeling and every
    every need
    and everything we bring
    into today
    at least
    they’ll know (I think)
    that here, they knew
    that they had space
    for every feeling
    and every need

  • June 14, 2023

    good for

    “I don’t have to make you happy”
    it starts

    and every thought since then has been
    “why not”

    and every thought since then has been
    a tiny drop

    a tiny drop on the well established order of
    “I could never make anyone happy”
    & “I am good for nothing”

    I do not know how these became the standard model
    (that is not my business)

    but doctrines of complete depravity
    I do not think helped

    “I don’t have to make you happy”
    it says

    & “no one is asking you to”
    replies

    & what this respondent does not know
    is that I already know no one
    is asking for
    me to do

    anything
    for them

    as I said, they are already certain
    I am good for nothing.

  • June 12, 2023

    I wanted to be a poet
    writing at nap time
    while the kids all sleep
    but they almost never sleep
    and I almost never write
    even when they do

    I wanted to be a poet
    rightly admired
    but they almost never sleep
    I almost never write
    and when I do
    I do not
    admire
    any
    of
    it

  • May 29, 2023

    how carefully he asked

    how carefully he asked
    if I’d be here when he got back
    he’ll keep the feeling cards
    to share with his sister
    Mad
    and Frustrated
    Happy
    and Sad
    he’ll try to express himself
    without huffing at dad

    but in our whole conversation
    of feelings and needs
    of words we can use
    instead of our screams

    I still can’t get past
    how carefully
    he asked
    if I’d be here

    if I’d be here
    when he got back

  • May 10, 2023

    my reasons to live expire
    like ingredients you buy for a meal you never make
    my reasons to live expire

    and I,
    my blood and bones,
    expire too

    one just has to time it right, I think
    to die before our reasons do

    I’d hold out longer
    if I had any reason to

    I’ve run the calculous
    over and over now

    that nearing me is painful
    so what better way to keep everyone who loves me
    at a safe distance

    I have a language that I can speak
    but it isn’t english

    by the time I go to work tomorrow
    I’ll forget why I haven’t quit

    I’ll wonder, like I always do,
    why they ever settled for me in this position

    and I’ll decide to do what they always wanted
    but never knew how to ask for

    I can’t afford lunch
    I can’t afford lunch

    my lease is up
    I can’t afford lunch

    the descending lit up numbers of the elevator
    I’m trying to see some daylight

    it’s overcast
    I don’t know what to do with my cats
    I’m trying to see some daylight

    every crack in the pavement collects little rocks in them
    I’m trying to see some daylight

    the beautiful Nigerian on the sidewalk
    we barely scrape some eye contact
    they are barely not starving to death
    no exercise of gratitude could cancel this

    I’d like to starve to death, once
    to know, finally, what it will be like
    for the universe
    once we string out

    the shirt I wore is too warm
    these big headphones, too warm
    I want to starve to death
    I’m trying to see some daylight
    I can’t afford lunch
    my blood and bones
    expire
    and my reasons to live
    and my reasons to live
    too

  • May 9, 2023

    “need” @church

    “need” @church
    decrypted means
    some % of me
    belongs some % to
    them
    & the crown I have to bow
    to in gratitude… // say
    “you made me fearfully and wonderfully
    & broken and depraved”
    from 1/2 our mouth “you love me”
    and 1/2 “you hate”
    and in one voice “I deserve it,
    you despise me,
    & I hope I live forever

    this way.”

  • April 24, 2023

    i want to outlive every piece of art
    i will ever make
    i want to see its rise and fall
    & if i should have any legacy at all
    i hope to live
    while it expires

  • April 19, 2023

    (this experiment still didn’t help)

    things can matter just to me
    things can matter just to me
    things can matter just to me
    things can matter just to me
    things can matter just to me
    things can matter just to me
    things can matter just to me
    things can matter just to me
    things can matter just to me
    things can matter just to me
    things can matter just to me
    things can matter just to me
    things can matter just to me
    things can matter just to me
    things can matter just to me
    things can matter just to me
    things can matter just to me
    things can matter just to me
    things can matter just to me
    things can matter just to me
    things can matter just to me
    things can matter just to me
    things can matter just to me
    things can matter just to me
    things can matter just to me
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    things can matter just to me
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    things can matter just to me
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    things can matter just to me
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    things can matter just to me
    things can matter just to me
    things can matter just to me

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