how carefully he asked
if I’d be here when he got back
he’ll keep the feeling cards
to share with his sister
Mad
and Frustrated
Happy
and Sad
he’ll try to express himself
without huffing at dad
but in our whole conversation
of feelings and needs
of words we can use
instead of our screams
I still can’t get past
how carefully
he asked
if I’d be here
if I’d be here
when he got back
my reasons to live expire
like ingredients you buy for a meal you never make
my reasons to live expire
and I,
my blood and bones,
expire too
one just has to time it right, I think
to die before our reasons do
I’d hold out longer
if I had any reason to
I’ve run the calculous
over and over now
that nearing me is painful
so what better way to keep everyone who loves me
at a safe distance
I have a language that I can speak
but it isn’t english
by the time I go to work tomorrow
I’ll forget why I haven’t quit
I’ll wonder, like I always do,
why they ever settled for me in this position
and I’ll decide to do what they always wanted
but never knew how to ask for
I can’t afford lunch
I can’t afford lunch
my lease is up
I can’t afford lunch
the descending lit up numbers of the elevator
I’m trying to see some daylight
it’s overcast
I don’t know what to do with my cats
I’m trying to see some daylight
every crack in the pavement collects little rocks in them
I’m trying to see some daylight
the beautiful Nigerian on the sidewalk
we barely scrape some eye contact
they are barely not starving to death
no exercise of gratitude could cancel this
I’d like to starve to death, once
to know, finally, what it will be like
for the universe
once we string out
the shirt I wore is too warm
these big headphones, too warm
I want to starve to death
I’m trying to see some daylight
I can’t afford lunch
my blood and bones
expire
and my reasons to live
and my reasons to live
too
“need” @church
decrypted means
some % of me
belongs some % to
them
& the crown I have to bow
to in gratitude… // say
“you made me fearfully and wonderfully
& broken and depraved”
from 1/2 our mouth “you love me”
and 1/2 “you hate”
and in one voice “I deserve it,
you despise me,
& I hope I live forever
this way.”
i want to outlive every piece of art
i will ever make
i want to see its rise and fall
& if i should have any legacy at all
i hope to live
while it expires
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
when we become
when you become
so tired
so completely // unambiguously tired
& it (our energy) expires forever
our facade falls
our bodies lay
our faces
our faces slip
and the lucky
the luckiest of us
will catch beyond
behind
(what is behind)
what we call ourselves
the luckiest catch
some reflection
of our exact
our energy (our lack of it)
& let our face slip
our body lay
facade fall
& the luckiest glimpse
it // and never wonder again
where our beauty is
if all my best poems are only said in private
because i am in love
if the best i have to say
is only said to her
if i waste my best thoughts
in silent conversations
it will not be a waste
i will still be heard
because i am in love
If you think we would not again
you do not understand us
& worse
you do not understand Him.
I know
I watched Him starve to death
while we argued about gun rights.
I watched Him freeze
while we wondered if He was only poor
from being lazy
or incompetent.
He came back to life one time
is that why we let Him die?
Now a hundred thousand more times?
We cannot be bothered to find Him food or shelter
at the drive-thru line
nor even vote for it
on a ballot.
You have Moses and the prophets
and the entire work of Christ
and still do not believe?
neither shall you believe
were this for you
to read
maybe then
i’ll be happy
keep it up
ad infinitum
so i can stay happy
so i won’t forget
that i am worth being
shower me in praise
so i don’t have to myself
and feel like a narcissist doing it
shower me so that i can bathe in the resulting stream
so that i can wash off self hatred
so that i can stop feeling so much pressure
to be creative
so that on some days
i can just wake up
and move from point A
to point B
and not have to make it mean a goddamn thing
shower me until i drown
until i swallow it
until i choke on it
shower me
until i don’t need it
please
[and if the poets do not eek out all the words
who will
for this?]
When we will know everything we are missing out on
It will make us here.
It will drown our appetite for it
& leave us // at last // I think here.
We will see // and be forced to see
there is always a reason
auroras escape us
for when I looked, they were not there
& when I looked away, they appeared.
The News reported early
that what I failed to see in Iceland (despite it being the perfect season)
appeared above me while I was busy
in Missouri.
& why was I busy?
& should I regret?
or can I see that there are always beautiful things
I am not seeing.
& can I see
that what I was busy doing
is just the sort of beautiful thing
no one else will ever see?
For when we finally know everything we have missed out on
we will collapse in noticing
that every argument in our head
every little wish we ever had
& toothpaste drip we saw hit the sink
& hair-brush stuck in our knots
& the thought you had that finally made sense of everything
which you forgot
& the precise experience of hope you had once
which you lost
//no one else, ever, under any circumstance
not through any number of scientific or technological advances
// you can be certain // there is an exactly zero percent chance that anyone else
will ever have them
your experiences
they will miss out
on the kinds of details that would make some photographer weep if she could capture them
the sort that every French film is dying to recreate
the ones the greatest novels make us think about
and suddenly love.
we will all // everyone who isn’t you
will miss out
and each one of us is an entire universe like this
you are the auroras I will never see
the details I would want to know, you cannot recall
but you went through them all
you experienced every single one of them in the most explicit and exacting possible way
in the first person
& I can never have that
And so I continue to exist
living everyday
knowing some seven billion auroras, I must (for all intents and purposes)
ignore.
& in response to this the best thing I find for me to do
is to do what I can
to not ignore mine
and to share what I can of mine
with you
nathanael.ink 