“We start as small as me,
we grow as tall as oak, “
I lean in,
“we’ll hurt so much forever
and then grow old.”
All the four year olds
don’t know what I mean
they’ll see
we hurt so much forever
then, one day, are seen.
“We start as small as me,
we grow as tall as oak, “
I lean in,
“we’ll hurt so much forever
and then grow old.”
All the four year olds
don’t know what I mean
they’ll see
we hurt so much forever
then, one day, are seen.
the poem has already done what I set for it to do
for me // now all I am wondering is if it can do anything
for you
a star on the kinetic sand snowman is everything
the year they will spend with me is 20% of their entire life
the next five minutes then, even
is so much more to them than it could ever be to me
the challenge then, is to let it be
the star on the snowman is everything
the kind of person who does not like themselves
who does not enjoy spending time with themselves
will almost certainly not like you
you who are the kind of person
who likes spending time
with just the kind of person
they do not like
it all is around
and you wonder why you cannot stop
obstinate
obstinate
your teeth in your forearm
your heels digging in
I won’t help you
I cannot
lose someone
again to this
the next thing I want to watch die
is my own crabby pair of hands at one hundred and five
I won’t be here to watch
an alcoholic spread
it’s not a thread to just tie up
instead, this is the only evidence you have been forced to see
evidence of your entire life whaling
in a turbulent sea of pretense and false beliefs
that there are no beasts beneath
yourself a kind of stoic saint, you think
you mock our brittle hearts that scream
all the while it’s you
and
and I cannot hold you the way I want to
the way I would if I was GOD
what I know
is that not knowing what you’re feeling
is not the same as having none
you are purchased every time that you deny
the entire world alive inside
inside you
floods of needs and feeling words
you’ll find alcohol does not shut them up
it just plugs your ears so you’re even less aware…
which is how, in the first place,
we got here
looking close enough, we know
none of our atoms touch
and you
imagining
independence
trip into noticing
a human kindness
how we are all atoms
of some universal being
and we are only ever not touching
in the silly scientific way that nothing is
when I search your name online
it doesn’t give me chills
or turn my stomach anymore
my skin doesn’t crawl
my hair etherized
when I search your name online
I don’t worry what I’ll see
or whose face will live so near to yours
a dazzling silver ring
a coffin full of love
when I search your name online
no one else even comes up
_________________anymore
you ran across the world
you always said you would
and when you search mine
the way I practice all the time
you’ll see me
and say nothing
safe
& comfortable, it sounds so
familiar
there isn’t anything I would do to be free
I keep making
I kept making
kept making so much space
now all I am
is an empty tank
my brain unwraps
when I’m happy then
a sad song on the radio
hails back the cab
I don’t like to be away
I just don’t want to die
or be taken completely
I want to be happy
happy
& home
(made for my creative community group)

brainstorming in Midjourney


(that’s a different project at the bottom.. I do a fair bit simultaneously tbh)

trying new terms

trying in DALL-E2 to see what I get

realized I wanted to explore how I relate to Christ, to see myself in Him just as a way of exploring the idea of being made in GOD’s image the idea of being the body of Christ

I liked the hair from one image but the face of another so I bring them into photoshop [not pictured] to combine the two.
(don’t have any photoshop pictures because I didn’t save the file, I tend to work quick and sorta scrappy, I just combined them, exported a png and plugged it into DALL-E2 to work with)

here you can see me trying again to see if DALL-E2 can do anything better with the hair lol.
Notice how the “original” image has the hair erased which tells DALL-E it can only work in that empty space. It then gives me four options to choose from.

by this point I’d combined the hair in photoshop myself and was trying to expand the canvas downward.
Again, you can see that I’m erasing while expanding.
DALLE-2 only technically works in squares so you sorta fenagle it, leaving in just enough parts of the image you already have in order to influence the style, then erasing parts you want it to generate.

here’s me finding the image I liked. I was struck because it looked like Judas to me and I loved the idea of exploring that relationship.
I interpreted it as Judas turning his back on Christs divinity. Which was already an idea I’d been exploring elsewhere. I forget the exact text prompts I was using but I was trying a lot of words like “atonement, divinity, saints” etc

just an example of the sea of options and choices

me finding first part of the lower half I liked

exploring variations

again just an example of deleting parts, adding prompts, and expanding the canvas downward.
[I then have to take these and merge them together in photoshop like little puzzle pieces] NOTE: DALLE-2 can merge/extend them sort of too in their workflow but it’s sometimes feels more limiting to me.

then I translate it onto big slabs of cardboard using a projector. I find the cardboard around the city on my walks. This was a big Samsung TV box I found and I liked the idea that it was made to carry a television (something that displays content and drowns us in advertisements/consumerism) and repurposing it to tell its own story, display and carry it’s own meaning and message. Also the relationship between the saints being themselves inside this consumerist product packaging, looking up at Christ who is ALSO packaged in it, and that this package is literally undone and opened up, etc.
I have more than a dozen of these so far but they aren’t posted anywhere online rn. if you want to follow this endeavor at all the best way is currently just my natanai.art instagram or the website which I haven’t been updating either..
/
Ilove you so
still.
//
It is the seasons change you feel
which you confuse for
for me.
/
I protest I □□□□ never-
theless the…
□□□□□□□□ The seasons are not in motion?
See my loving you
in their always going
notice them
like the satan forth and back from GOD
jockeying for permission □□□ for
for the next evil
of GOD’s season
season seasoning.
Do not think
I could not always be in
feeling □□□ they are changing.
Just because we have given them four names…
I could break them
up up as evidence.
Just past five hundred thousand
alphabetical, every minute,
I scrawl them out □□ sending you
□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□ sending proof
so that you will always be assured □□ finally
finally
assured
even in it
in lack of faith and
tradition.
I do
I do love you I
and to prove.
I will make sure the seasons are changing
names alphabetical
Aacra to Barnaby
Rosemary, Serendipity
I will find the words
Tarist Thorn, Timid Tom
name them
all of them
name them.
Find them.
You will see the seasons
can always be changing
changing
Wallis to Yuko
changing in me.