his name on the lease
where she takes me in
she takes the same steps
to get to it
i’m guessing my keys
used to be his
and even in my bed
his name slips
she wishes
she never… though
his name on the lease
& their anniversary is the wi-fi password
and she wants to move to Portland
and she wonders why she hates it here
where I am
& I watched his name renew
on their anniversary
on the new lease
in the city
where I live
and she hates it here
she says
some people i love are dead
i recall
just when i begin to hate my experience
my experience of lethargy
of apathy
of a cold cool depressive state
where i look through all of my belongings
and find nothing
as some people i love are dead
so for them
there is no experience
none at all to wish they were not in
none to long for
none even to recall
for me, at least, i think
i prefer this to that
i would rather crawl into a slow ball completely spent
i would rather wring my hands in longing for
the faith i used to have
i would rather use all of my attention to ensure i am taking at least one more
(and one more)
than not breathe at all
than give it all
than lose any possible chance to see again
someone that i love
and feel loved again
by them
“I don’t have to make you happy”
it starts
and every thought since then has been
“why not”
and every thought since then has been
a tiny drop
a tiny drop on the well established order of
“I could never make anyone happy”
& “I am good for nothing”
I do not know how these became the standard model
(that is not my business)
but doctrines of complete depravity
I do not think helped
“I don’t have to make you happy”
it says
& “no one is asking you to”
replies
& what this respondent does not know
is that I already know no one
is asking for
me to do
anything
for them
as I said, they are already certain
I am good for nothing.
my reasons to live expire
like ingredients you buy for a meal you never make
my reasons to live expire
and I,
my blood and bones,
expire too
one just has to time it right, I think
to die before our reasons do
I’d hold out longer
if I had any reason to
I’ve run the calculous
over and over now
that nearing me is painful
so what better way to keep everyone who loves me
at a safe distance
I have a language that I can speak
but it isn’t english
by the time I go to work tomorrow
I’ll forget why I haven’t quit
I’ll wonder, like I always do,
why they ever settled for me in this position
and I’ll decide to do what they always wanted
but never knew how to ask for
I can’t afford lunch
I can’t afford lunch
my lease is up
I can’t afford lunch
the descending lit up numbers of the elevator
I’m trying to see some daylight
it’s overcast
I don’t know what to do with my cats
I’m trying to see some daylight
every crack in the pavement collects little rocks in them
I’m trying to see some daylight
the beautiful Nigerian on the sidewalk
we barely scrape some eye contact
they are barely not starving to death
no exercise of gratitude could cancel this
I’d like to starve to death, once
to know, finally, what it will be like
for the universe
once we string out
the shirt I wore is too warm
these big headphones, too warm
I want to starve to death
I’m trying to see some daylight
I can’t afford lunch
my blood and bones
expire
and my reasons to live
and my reasons to live
too
“need” @church
decrypted means
some % of me
belongs some % to
them
& the crown I have to bow
to in gratitude… // say
“you made me fearfully and wonderfully
& broken and depraved”
from 1/2 our mouth “you love me”
and 1/2 “you hate”
and in one voice “I deserve it,
you despise me,
& I hope I live forever
this way.”
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
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things can matter just to me
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things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
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things can matter just to me
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things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
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things can matter just to me
things can matter just to me
when we become
when you become
so tired
so completely // unambiguously tired
& it (our energy) expires forever
our facade falls
our bodies lay
our faces
our faces slip
and the lucky
the luckiest of us
will catch beyond
behind
(what is behind)
what we call ourselves
the luckiest catch
some reflection
of our exact
our energy (our lack of it)
& let our face slip
our body lay
facade fall
& the luckiest glimpse
it // and never wonder again
where our beauty is
If there were nothing in the mourning
we could not have at peace
then I’d agree
as it is
I think
compassion only grows in grief
compassion only learns another’s name
suffering.
“What about a world with no suffering? Is that not the place compassion too compels us toward? Is it, therefore, no holy aim?”
I’ll answer.
Once compassion finds
compassion’s aiming end — it obliterates
& all its excess energy imparts
itself to life
and living it.
i experience him gone
but then
i experience him here
grief makes me know
it is like the physicist says
& grief makes me experience it
how time could all be equally real
& no illusions
as past and future never collapse
instead, it is that grief can make my present grow
the mystics make it sound so odd
but everyone who has lost someone
who has ever held a ghost
everyone who has ever loved and notices how wrong it is to say
to say “loved” in the past tense // knows
they know
how grief makes the present grow
engulfing our entire lived experience
and pulling in the future too
the future we already know
we know will have the same
the same cavity where they should be
we experience it
in the growing of our grief
and so we grieve it all at once
from the last look on their face
to the death of the universe
our stories
evaporate // all
keep holding out
wishing it to be
eventually
we can wish
everlastingness
what I mean is
all we will ever be
is the story of today
and whether or not
it gets permission
to mean a fucking thing
in us
how many empires
must we see dissolve
until it settles in
that there is no permanence
permanence we keep living our entire lives
thinking of
dreaming up
undying all our buried pains to get us there
our stories all
evaporate
and what is left after that?
I think
is the great Nothingness
who has spent our entire lives telling us
do not hurry along
do not dream of it
do not wish your present moment away
I have held this gate
and this great eternal megaphone // screaming
you are missing everything
wishing for Me
our great suffering // I think
is exactly the sort of thing
we will someday
never experience again
&
&
& wish we did
nathanael.ink 