nathanael.ink

I am embarrassed to have invested in her at all. yet alone to have tarnished such deep sentiments as I had… I once felt loved completely, but discovered it a ruse. what more is to be said? than that the ***** should never taste my name on her tongue again. and my tongue never be scathed by the faulty vowels and consonants which I suppose some half-hearted demon composed while pondering of a word more vile than any forefathers had known; twas only befitting for the body he awaited to enter some January 19th, for him to torture in a hundred million more ways than any other born before.

I can’t wait for the day that i can actually “move on”
Every new understanding chips away at this stubborn old doorway..

It was wrong for me to “fight” when i was asked only to surrender.
It was wrong for me to get mad, and though God forgives, we still are left with the consequences of our actions.
It was fear that made me controlling.
It was jealousy that made me angry.

It was sin. And now I am back to where i always should have been. With just Jesus and a heart of stone for Him to keep chipping at..

“We only accept the love we think we deserve”
Maybe she thinks this logic trapped her.with me. And then one day she woke up to realize she deserves better than me. To which i say fuck that. But. Nonetheless. I challenge myself to consider if this is the core reason I pursued her as hard as i did even when she said to my face that she does not love me. Once even said she loved another. She feels so strongly that she tried so hard. While i feel so strongly that she really did not. There is no justifying the two.
But one thing i know for certain. I don’t ever want to have to convince a woman that she shouldn’t talk to other dudes. Nor do i ever want to try and explain the fundamental core of what love is. Which supersedes emotions and affections and feelings and circumstances and words. It sometimes poses a threat to our emotional state so severe that we call into question the value of this thing called “love.” At face value she knows it, but when it came down to the wire she did not at all.
I refuse ever to chase happiness. I consent that i often don’t know the balance. Because I’m not supposing one should not feel happy, or RUN from happiness. And i again consent that i sometimes run from it.. simply on the principal thought that i don’t want to get trapped in it ..or.deceived by it…
Nonetheless. I refuse to pursue it. I could back that with a lot of scripture, but i think that’s clear so i won’t waste my breath. Or exhaust the point.
Pursue first the kingdom… a kingdom ruled by a God called LOVE. I swear i meant truly.. only to advance His kingdom .. i swear it. I swear it a hundred times.. surely God has searched me thoroughly and of all the wrong He exposes .. this is not among them.. i meant so to advance His kingdom. For His name sake i chased her. I fought for her. And sure. To some extent “i only accept the love i think i deserve” and she gave shit love, if for no other reason than that it didn’t last and was inconsistent. but you know what i think was true even more than that? That i knew if i hoped ever to get any other kind of love, then I’d better love that way myself. “Forgive me, as i forgive those who sin against me”.. right there in the Lords prayer. Love me, like i love them. And vise versa.
I loved a way i knew I’d need to be loved. The way i hope to be loved someday. Though anger may rise in the evening .. love always remained in the morning .. if any woman could give me that, i would take it for a lifetime .. love is something of it’s own nature.. something we don’t understand .. love IS God. Therefore love is to partake in a divine substance .. it is beyond fathoming and His mysteries are endless.. we merely partake of it..

The road can lead only to immediate things
But I don’t want any of those
So no
I don’t know where I’m headed.

If i should seek a doorway
I cannot consider
the status of the door

If I should seek an open door
I cannot consider
The place in which I’ll go

And if i want to go some place
I will not consider
That i will need a doorway
—- which must also be open.

If it were up to me
I’d be long dead