nathanael.ink

I can’t wait for the day that i can actually “move on”
Every new understanding chips away at this stubborn old doorway..

It was wrong for me to “fight” when i was asked only to surrender.
It was wrong for me to get mad, and though God forgives, we still are left with the consequences of our actions.
It was fear that made me controlling.
It was jealousy that made me angry.

It was sin. And now I am back to where i always should have been. With just Jesus and a heart of stone for Him to keep chipping at..

“We only accept the love we think we deserve”
Maybe she thinks this logic trapped her.with me. And then one day she woke up to realize she deserves better than me. To which i say fuck that. But. Nonetheless. I challenge myself to consider if this is the core reason I pursued her as hard as i did even when she said to my face that she does not love me. Once even said she loved another. She feels so strongly that she tried so hard. While i feel so strongly that she really did not. There is no justifying the two.
But one thing i know for certain. I don’t ever want to have to convince a woman that she shouldn’t talk to other dudes. Nor do i ever want to try and explain the fundamental core of what love is. Which supersedes emotions and affections and feelings and circumstances and words. It sometimes poses a threat to our emotional state so severe that we call into question the value of this thing called “love.” At face value she knows it, but when it came down to the wire she did not at all.
I refuse ever to chase happiness. I consent that i often don’t know the balance. Because I’m not supposing one should not feel happy, or RUN from happiness. And i again consent that i sometimes run from it.. simply on the principal thought that i don’t want to get trapped in it ..or.deceived by it…
Nonetheless. I refuse to pursue it. I could back that with a lot of scripture, but i think that’s clear so i won’t waste my breath. Or exhaust the point.
Pursue first the kingdom… a kingdom ruled by a God called LOVE. I swear i meant truly.. only to advance His kingdom .. i swear it. I swear it a hundred times.. surely God has searched me thoroughly and of all the wrong He exposes .. this is not among them.. i meant so to advance His kingdom. For His name sake i chased her. I fought for her. And sure. To some extent “i only accept the love i think i deserve” and she gave shit love, if for no other reason than that it didn’t last and was inconsistent. but you know what i think was true even more than that? That i knew if i hoped ever to get any other kind of love, then I’d better love that way myself. “Forgive me, as i forgive those who sin against me”.. right there in the Lords prayer. Love me, like i love them. And vise versa.
I loved a way i knew I’d need to be loved. The way i hope to be loved someday. Though anger may rise in the evening .. love always remained in the morning .. if any woman could give me that, i would take it for a lifetime .. love is something of it’s own nature.. something we don’t understand .. love IS God. Therefore love is to partake in a divine substance .. it is beyond fathoming and His mysteries are endless.. we merely partake of it..

The road can lead only to immediate things
But I don’t want any of those
So no
I don’t know where I’m headed.

If i should seek a doorway
I cannot consider
the status of the door

If I should seek an open door
I cannot consider
The place in which I’ll go

And if i want to go some place
I will not consider
That i will need a doorway
—- which must also be open.

If it were up to me
I’d be long dead

how does one love a woman who is one way
one day
and another
another day.

lacking foundation
in (I speculate) anything.

I don’t know if the sun is choosing to slow
Or the earth actively decrease it’s spin
Or if by mere coincidence
That a day does not pass in which I have not thought her name

I fought so hard. SO very hard. Harder than I knew one could fight. Like Gabriel on the way down to little Daniel- I thought that I fought… but my measly blows are dust in the wind. Scattered and weightless they thrust themselves at their enemy… I forgot my place. Like Gabriel I thought to myself… Like God I said within my spirit… I will be like them I whispered to her, and to my soul I declared it.
Oh… how I have forgotten myself.
Any kingdom I build is not. It is of wanton glory: to succeed at all. Thank God He kept me from it… I kick and scream for a new job, a woman of my dreams, and He chooses to withhold them both… The executives have not know His deeds in the heavens, they have simply encountered a better fit than me. And likewise she dare not scheme of what God might be doing in me, and may she never receive any credit of knowledge or wisdom, for in her exhaustive foolishness and misguided understandings
in spite of herself God has used our terrible turn of events… may it likewise never be accounted that I did a single thing good in all my meditations and thorough deliberations. It was I who failed the woman. It was my anger. My controlling spirit. It was all me. May I always be embarrassed to say it. But moreover,
what is more unbelievable to admit.. is that He has paid what my guilt owes her.. I long that I could ask her forgiveness to her face. But I fear my own dead affections might rise again and threaten the integrity of my tongue… also I fear she will not receive it or believe in its legitimacy.. lo, in spite of my daft ignorance, He receives me still… and though every word I said to her must be accounted as lies.. words like “love” and “forever” and “never giving up”… still He receives me… and hate the snares that awaited me, the snares I set up for myself.. with my own two hands I ruined what once was good.