as you grow
I grow
the two will never meet
as you grow
I grow
into more of you & out of present me
the two will never meet
-
why is it so painful to watch children grow?
-
oh that was before the end
oh that was before the end
a whirl dies down
my family and them at some event
some picture I’m not in
I can’t recall the final time
& dates don’t help
forever
I said
eternity in my heart I meant
I heard GOD’s present moment is big
so big my past and future fit in it
I hate GOD
or
I hate being GOD
I hate having back the present moments I passed
I cannot know whoever they are now
I hate how when I am GOD I already know where this is going
I hate being GOD and sitting on my hands to keep from putting the world I want togetherI don’t want them free
I don’t like knowing someone said they loved me and will never say it againthe only thing I like about GOD might be not changing
if I cut my hair I am another person
the old is passing and the new still becomingall of this before the end
one which I still cannot tell is ever coming -
it is the concrete we made
the flower picked at seven
is dead by eleven
& no fear
they pick another
picked for motheri don’t think humans were made
to walk single filethey reach for flowers
they run and trip
it is the concrete we made
that scrapes their kneesi don’t think humans were made
to walk single file -
i have this reoccurring dream
that judah is still alive and all of us
in his inner circle of friends
know well he is alive and we try to respect his decision to fake his own death
and then, in the dream, i find out he really has died
maybe a car accident or something usual
or i run into him in a grocery store or something
and he nervously says hi and gives me the deepest and most sincere stare i’ve seen and I know he’s requesting that I not tell anyone he’s alive
but then, like I said, I always find out later he died. like actually died
and when i find out i always think i wasted what time i had left with him
it’s as if even if he was still alive
what exactly do i think i would do so differently?
i’m not sure.. and i’d say i hate the dream except that the beginning of it always feels so nice.. -
it never occurred to me as a child
that I could even hope for life to be enjoyable
I was primed
(accidentally groomed, one might say)
to hate being alive
to think that the only thing really worth being
is dead & with jesus after it
& in heaven where
being alive might actually be niceit rarely occurs to me, even now,
that the greatest service I could do for GOD
is…well I guess I’m not sure I just…
I’m just trying to be alive -
his name on the lease
where she takes me in
she takes the same steps
to get to iti’m guessing my keys
used to be hisand even in my bed
his name slipsshe wishes
she never… thoughhis name on the lease
& their anniversary is the wi-fi password
and she wants to move to Portland
and she wonders why she hates it here
where I am& I watched his name renew
on their anniversary
on the new lease
in the city
where I liveand she hates it here
she says -
historical now
do you feel haunted?
can you forgive
when you notice
how unlikely it is
that anything we currently believe
is correctare you petrified?
can you feel
free of dreaming of knowing anythingi know we are primitive
to eight thousand years from now
& on our evolutionary scale
that might as well be the same
time as me
even existingwhat would it mean
to enjoy living
& noticing
you, like me, are every living thing -
wednesday
@paigers_21 Very light and wet rumble
between me and the earth
and on which side is GOD?
Am I nearer or
do all GOD’s lovers draw GOD in?I could see things I think
in a frame out a window — sure
but it is Wednesday and
GOD like the earth
obscures the view
of the beginning and the end
of the parts of the week I care at all for.I bet the clouds crunch
so goddamn loud
to force a hundred people through the clouds.Why do I know when I land
I’ll have all the same questions
and ugly little answers
for the hot metal motors
locked up in the sky
and the pretending-to-be-comfortable clouds
surrounding my mind.Why when I die will I know
what I only ever wanted to know
when I was alive. -
*some people i love are dead*
some people i love are dead
i recall
just when i begin to hate my experience
my experience of lethargy
of apathy
of a cold cool depressive state
where i look through all of my belongings
and find nothing
as some people i love are dead
so for them
there is no experience
none at all to wish they were not in
none to long for
none even to recall
for me, at least, i think
i prefer this to that
i would rather crawl into a slow ball completely spent
i would rather wring my hands in longing for
the faith i used to have
i would rather use all of my attention to ensure i am taking at least one more
(and one more)
than not breathe at all
than give it all
than lose any possible chance to see again
someone that i love
and feel loved again
by them -
on poems and writing poetry
i was told that poems do not have to be any good i haven't written a good one ever since
nathanael.ink 