i have this reoccurring dream
that judah is still alive and all of us
in his inner circle of friends
know well he is alive and we try to respect his decision to fake his own death
and then, in the dream, i find out he really has died
maybe a car accident or something usual
or i run into him in a grocery store or something
and he nervously says hi and gives me the deepest and most sincere stare i’ve seen and I know he’s requesting that I not tell anyone he’s alive
but then, like I said, I always find out later he died. like actually died
and when i find out i always think i wasted what time i had left with him
it’s as if even if he was still alive
what exactly do i think i would do so differently?
i’m not sure.. and i’d say i hate the dream except that the beginning of it always feels so nice..
-
-
it never occurred to me as a child
that I could even hope for life to be enjoyable
I was primed
(accidentally groomed, one might say)
to hate being alive
to think that the only thing really worth being
is dead & with jesus after it
& in heaven where
being alive might actually be niceit rarely occurs to me, even now,
that the greatest service I could do for GOD
is…well I guess I’m not sure I just…
I’m just trying to be alive -
his name on the lease
where she takes me in
she takes the same steps
to get to iti’m guessing my keys
used to be hisand even in my bed
his name slipsshe wishes
she never… thoughhis name on the lease
& their anniversary is the wi-fi password
and she wants to move to Portland
and she wonders why she hates it here
where I am& I watched his name renew
on their anniversary
on the new lease
in the city
where I liveand she hates it here
she says -
historical now
do you feel haunted?
can you forgive
when you notice
how unlikely it is
that anything we currently believe
is correctare you petrified?
can you feel
free of dreaming of knowing anythingi know we are primitive
to eight thousand years from now
& on our evolutionary scale
that might as well be the same
time as me
even existingwhat would it mean
to enjoy living
& noticing
you, like me, are every living thing -
wednesday
@paigers_21 Very light and wet rumble
between me and the earth
and on which side is GOD?
Am I nearer or
do all GOD’s lovers draw GOD in?I could see things I think
in a frame out a window — sure
but it is Wednesday and
GOD like the earth
obscures the view
of the beginning and the end
of the parts of the week I care at all for.I bet the clouds crunch
so goddamn loud
to force a hundred people through the clouds.Why do I know when I land
I’ll have all the same questions
and ugly little answers
for the hot metal motors
locked up in the sky
and the pretending-to-be-comfortable clouds
surrounding my mind.Why when I die will I know
what I only ever wanted to know
when I was alive. -
*some people i love are dead*
some people i love are dead
i recall
just when i begin to hate my experience
my experience of lethargy
of apathy
of a cold cool depressive state
where i look through all of my belongings
and find nothing
as some people i love are dead
so for them
there is no experience
none at all to wish they were not in
none to long for
none even to recall
for me, at least, i think
i prefer this to that
i would rather crawl into a slow ball completely spent
i would rather wring my hands in longing for
the faith i used to have
i would rather use all of my attention to ensure i am taking at least one more
(and one more)
than not breathe at all
than give it all
than lose any possible chance to see again
someone that i love
and feel loved again
by them -
on poems and writing poetry
i was told that poems do not have to be any good i haven't written a good one ever since
-
the purpose of life
it’s hard to see how life could really be about anything other than just enjoying it
people who will try to sell you on being alive for a whole eternity
but I feel like they are assuming that being alive at all is at least some sort of net positive
and even if they imagine that, after this life end, the next life will be markedly better
they are still relying on our minds having some available cognitive real estate upon which to locate such a fanciful view of alivefor if we already enjoy being alive, before someone has even tried to sell us on an eternity of it, well
then I think there is nothing left for them to sellI think once we enjoy life and, I mean, actually living and being alive
as in, right now
right now being alive
I think once we enjoy it we can feel that its enjoyment has completed everything
we find in ourselves no desire either to speed it along or to stretch it out
because, at last, its purpose has been completely fulfilled
by, of course,
our merely enjoying it -
he asked
will we live again?
i don’t know
i said
but there is some reason to think sohe waited
it’s just that sometimes when i love someone
i get a feeling that i am them
i just haven’t been them yeti have seen myself in clouds and trees
and, i know, i am not them right now
so, it seems, perhaps i have already beenand do you love me?
we askedand we don’t know
and will know
we will know
eventually -
maybe they won’t
sleep
or smile all daymaybe they won’t remember
a single thing I saymaybe their letters won’t improve
maybe their friendships will come and gomaybe they won’t listen
maybe they won’t line up
maybe they won’t sit down
maybe they won’t shut upand maybe none of that is so bad
at allmaybe what they, and all of us, need
is just a place to be
safe
and know
that there is space
for us and every feeling and every
every need
and everything we bring
into today
at least
they’ll know (I think)
that here, they knew
that they had space
for every feeling
and every need
